In Matrimony a man and woman agree to live together for the rest of their lives. Will they be happy or wretched? That depends on many factors. One of the most important bases for marital happiness is mutual understanding. The pity is that so many married couples so often fail in this respect. In order to acquire this basis of mutual understanding, they must realize that the gift in marriage is the complete giving of self. It is a giving that marriage demands. It is not a partial giving according to what or how much the individual may wish to give. It is, on the contrary, the unreserved gift of one’s self to completely fulfil the morally lawful desires of the one to whom this gift is made.
“In order to give oneself, it is necessary to know oneself. Nothing is more rare than two young people who really know each other . . . and this lack of knowledge causes most of the misery in the new home ... The good, the wise, the prudent, the Christian, know enough to give themselves, each to the other but, as a general rule, they lack the knowledge of how to make each other happy. Take my word for it, they must make a very deep study of each other, and particularly must the man study the woman.” (Mgr. Dupanloup) The purpose of this lesson is to provide a solid foundation for your study of male and female psychology.
Young men must realize that they are greatly mistaken when they judge their future wife according to their own masculine way of thinking, acting and loving. On the other hand, young women likewise make a grave mistake when they judge their future husbands by their own feminine methods of thinking, feeling and loving. Hence, this study of male psychology and female psychology is one of the most important lessons offered to you in your Course in Preparation for Marriage.
Before delving more deeply into the subject, a few important introductory remarks are necessary.
We do not intend to make a psycho logical study of temperaments and characters. However, the following chart should be of some help to you in your analysis of temperament and character.
Temperaments |
good - Inclinations - bad |
|
Sanguine |
optimistic |
superficial |
Nervous |
reflective |
fearful |
Bilious |
energetic |
irritable |
Lymphatic |
calm |
indolent |
These diverse temperaments rarely are found in the perfect state but are found in combination in each individual to a more or less marked degree, usually in the following combinations : a) nervous-sanguine, b) nervous-bilious, c) nervous-lymphatic, d) bilious-sanguine, e) lymphatic sanguine.
It is obviously impossible for us to make a personal study of the temperament and character of your future husband, or of your future wife. We shall content ourselves with some general information regarding the psychological tendencies of each sex. To you is left the task of studying your friend and noting to what degree the characteristics we describe apply to him or to her.
Here, we draw attention to the fact that temperament, state of health, education, environment, all affect the psychology of the individual to such an extent that a young man may possess certain feminine characteristics, and a young woman may possess certain masculine traits. In this case, God permits a young man to seek in his partner the characteristics that he himself lacks. In this way, the marriage has a greater chance of turning out happily since one partner complements the other. Consequently, you will find a man who is inclined to be indolent and easy-going, marrying a domineering or ‘bossy’ type of woman, etc. (to complement: to complete, to make up what is lacking in another).
In the characteristics that we assign to each sex, it is to be noted that we speak of tendencies or inclinations, not of qualities or faults. A tendency is merely the influence exerted on us by our nature. Thus, some tendencies are peculiar to the male; others are proper to the female. Where a tendency grows into a quality or a fault, it is because that growth has been consciously, wilfully agreed to. A moral responsibility is thereby implied.
It is with tendencies or inclinations, however, that we are dealing - not with qualities or faults. Thus, men are inclined to be proud and egoistic ; women are inclined to be talkative and vain. By this we mean that the tendency towards pride and egoism is more pronounced among men; at the same time, the tendency towards talkativeness and coquetry is more pronounced among women. Nevertheless, these inclinations or tendencies do not burden either sex with defects that could not, through self-mastery, be transformed into qualities.
When we penetrate into the life of some homes, we are astounded at the vast amount of mutual lack of understanding: “My husband does not understand me,” laments the wife, while the husband complains “My wife is incomprehensible”. The reason for this situation is that no serious attempt has been made to understand the opposite sex. We realize that man and woman differ psychologically but we make no effort to understand what this difference is.
In practice, a man will act as though a woman’s reactions are the same as his own: he will reason with her when he should appeal to her emotions; he will forget the word of love or the expected caress ... and the result may be almost disastrous. He must realize that there is a basic difference in each one’s manner of reacting. As a man, he reacts according to a man’s way of reacting. She, as a woman, will react according to a woman’s way of reacting.
On the other hand, the woman will act and react, as though a man’s reactions are the same as her own She will worry over what he meant by some action, some thoughtless word, give it a meaning which the poor man never intended. She, too, must realize that there does exist this basic difference in the manner of reacting according to whether one is male or female: She, as a woman, will react according to her sex’s way of reacting; he, as a man, will react according to his sex’s manner of reacting.
If you want to understand your future partner, be sure to apply yourself sincerely to a study of this lesson.
This radical difference along every line between the sexes is not the result of chance. God made the sexes different and He never acts without a purpose. The purpose for which God created the sexes is the mission or vocation to which each is called. When God calls anyone to a special vocation, He gives him everything that he will need to do that work. Therefore, the psychology of each sex (its tendencies, reactions and the manner of acting) depends upon the purpose (vocation) for which God created that sex.
What is man’s vocation? Woman’s vocation? Answer these two questions, and you will have a better understanding of the particular psychology of each sex.
Man’s vocation in the world is to rule-first, as master of the home, and then of society. It is to his care that God confides the two gentle beings, the mother and child. He must assure their sustenance, security, and protection. It is on him that they will lean during the trials and tribulations of life. He will make all the decisions bearing on the life of the family.
He is the head of society also. It is his place to guard the common welfare of society. In the supernatural order of grace, man alone may become a priest, that is to say, ruler in that society which is the Church. In the natural order, it is man’s duty, much more than woman’s, to direct political destinies, economics, the social life of society.
To the master belongs authority. God therefore gives man all that is necessary to him in order to be a good head of the family, a good leader of society. Also, he is more sure of himself, more individualistic, more self-sufficient, than is the case with the woman. We have said that he is egocentric, tending to make himself the centre of his life. It is a fact that, by this seeking for personal perfection, man develops the power that makes him a leader. Here, a word of caution is needed : It is only a step from the egocentric to the egoistic and man should avoid taking that step if he desires happiness whether in marriage or elsewhere. Rather, let his steps be in the opposite direction: towards making Christ the centre of his life. Only in this way can he be sure of attaining true personal perfection.
In order that the man may fittingly fulfil his role of master, God gave to him the following characteristics:
from a physical point of view ...........................................................strength
from the intellectual point of view...................................................reasoning
from the emotional point of view ....................procreative and protective love
God ordained woman for the role of motherhood: Physical motherhood for those destined to give natural life; spiritual motherhood for all others.
It is to woman that God has assigned the sublime role of carrying the child in her womb, of modelling it after her characteristics, of giving it her blood and nourishing it with her milk; of supervising its tender years, of being its confidante and friend. If we describe as an artist one who chisels out of cold marble resemblances of humans, all the more reason for recognizing the talents of a very great artist, the mother, who forms the little limbs of a child destined to an intelligent and supernatural life, a child of God, and an heir of heaven - a child called to become a Christian and a saint!
But there is another kind of motherhood for those to whom God does not give the vocation of transmitting physical life. God demands that these devote themselves to works of love, both corporal and spiritual, such as the education of children, care of the sick, social service, etc. He will ask certain ones to consecrate themselves to Him and His works by taking the religious vows. From others He will require total devotion to works of love even though they remain in the world. From all, He insists upon a life aglow with the light of love and usefulness to humanity: “Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with thy whole heart, and with thy whole soul, and with thy whole mind, and with thy whole strength; and thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”
To successfully fulfil her vocation of motherhood, the woman should possess great qualities of heart. Her entire life should be devoted to procuring happiness for those around her. Only in this way will she find her own happiness. We have said that she is ‘altruistic’ in the sense that her entire being seeks to devote itself to the welfare of others, for a cause or for a person. It is natural for her to be devoted. On the other hand, egoism, when found in a woman, is much more detestable than it is in man: Self love is entirely contrary to her true nature as a woman and hence, so much the more disastrous.
To clarify our explanation of feminine psychology, we shall say that God has endowed woman with the following gifts to aid her in fulfilling her role of wife and mother:
from the physical point of view .............................. gentleness
from the intellectual point of view ............................. intuition
from the emotional point of view ........................ devotedness
From these general principles,
it is plain that God created man and woman psychologically different, because
of the special role assigned to each. These humans, so opposite in many ways,
are not made to battle each other. They are made to live harmoniously
complementing each other.
Strictly speaking, psychology
does not deal with the physical structure of a person. However, the physical
structure does affect the relationship between the two sexes, determining to a
great extent both the mental outlook and the emotional attitude. It is
essential therefore that we note this influence of the physical upon the mental
and emotional.
Man, being the master and wage
earner of the family, will be endowed with the special characteristic of
strength. On the other hand, the woman will be gifted with gentleness in order
to fulfil her role as mother and teacher.
Man, as a rule, will be more
solidly built than a woman. His bony skeleton will be more developed as will
his muscles. His constitution will be stronger, his shoulders broader. Since it
is his task to earn the living for the family by the strength of his arm, nature
has developed, to a greater degree, the upper part of his body - the chest,
shoulders and arms. In general, he will tire less easily: he is made for hard
work.
Woman’s constitution will be
weaker though she will enjoy much more physical suppleness. Her entire system
is fragile and this is particularly true of her nervous system and her sexual
organs. To fulfil her maternal role, the lower
extremities of her body will be more highly developed to enable her to carry
with ease the child in her womb.
Hard work away from the home
is the lot of man, whereas nature confines woman to a life of domesticity. In
order to accomplish this work, man has been endowed with strength as his major
physical characteristic. It is for him a natural force. He will be attracted by
the violent types of games such as football, baseball, hockey, boxing, wrestling,
etc ... If he is unable to participate in the games, he will be a constant,
ardent spectator. His superior physical strength endows him with the role of
protector of the woman.
Woman, admitting her
comparative weakness, is ideally fitted for taking care of the home.
House-work, cooking, sewing, embroidering, knitting, all are suited to her
ability. As for sports, she should avoid the strenuous kinds and seek her
relaxation in physical exercises such as swimming, tennis, ‘walking, which will
help her develop all her muscles but particularly those of the extremities. In
these sports she should be careful not to over-exert herself. She should be
averse to tournaments and competitive games, where ambition may cause her to
continue beyond her limit and so impair her health.
The feminine sex has been designated the
weaker sex. Some girls have a feeling of inferiority towards the stronger sex,
a feeling which is manifested by a foolish effort to imitate men. They dress
like men, smoke like men (usually far more than men), assume mannish habits,
play strenuous games. All this is dangerous to their health and almost
invariably completely fails in its purpose of attracting the masculine eye
other than to win their silent evasion. Be feminine! It’s your grandest
characteristic, your greatest attraction.
Health
is an important element in the future happiness of the home. The health of the
parents, and particularly that of the mother, will be reflected in the
children. Guard your health and that of your partner. (More detailed
information on this subject will be supplied in the thirteenth lesson.)
Both of you should realize
that the woman has a more difficult time than the man. The fragile nature of
her entire system, especially of the nervous system and of the reproductive
organs, the diverse phenomena occurring periodically (ovulation, menstruation,
pregnancy, birth, nursing) all react on her disposition. The man must be
understanding and sympathetic. On the other hand, the woman should not permit
herself to be whimsical nor force her husband to undergo with her every little
inconvenience that she undergoes.
There are two important
methods of understanding, of grasping truth: reason and intuition. Man is
endowed with reason, woman with intuition.
Reasoning, in the larger sense
we give it here, is that slow, cold, exact knowledge, more or less lacking in
sentiment or imagination, that man acquires from his surroundings. It is
speculative and intellectual: Man thinks, calculates, deduces, makes plans,
foresees obstacles, draws conclusions, gets the
general, over-all effect. In a word, he studies every angle, weighs every possibility.
Intuition, on the other hand,
is a knowledge that is spontaneous, warm, colourful,
circumstantial, detailed. It is a knowledge that
permits woman to grasp and photograph mentally everything that she sees. Her
heart and feelings influence her understanding much more than her power of
reasoning. She possesses the faculty of putting herself in the other person’s
place and thereby appreciating their sentiments and wishes. A woman will grasp
details and react spontaneously, change ideas rapidly, and be whole-heartedly
sympathetic.
From what we have just said,
it is evident that man will grasp a problem in its entirety: woman will grasp
the details of this same problem. Man proceeds from the general to the
particular; Woman grasps the particulars and builds towards the general idea.
Man has the responsibility of
the family on his shoulders. For the family he will seek means to increase his income : he will foresee the maturity of his accounts, etc.
He loves to discuss actual problems : he is passionately
interested in politics ; he seeks to be well informed on the prevailing social
ideas, reforms, etc. On the other hand, the unexpected will confuse him ...
details escape and unnerve him. He lacks flexibility of action.
Woman has her role of mother
to fulfil. Her gentleness will cause her to attach
great importance to the most minute detail of daily
living. The housework, cooking, sewing, and, on a higher sphere, the care and
education of the child are a continuous attentiveness to little things. This
minute attention to detail in understanding and action she will carry over to
her social relations. As a result, she will appreciate or disparage a person
because of apparel, etc...
This mental attitude which
causes man to view things in their entirety, and which causes woman to view
these same things in their minutest detail, fits them for the fulfilling of
their respective vocations. It is easy to see though how, unless the newly-weds
are aware of the difference in their mental outlook, it would be a cause of
mutual lack of understanding. The young husband will err in thinking his wife
superficial, whereas she will consider him a schemer. She will attach an
exaggerated importance to some household item, to which he will attach very
little or no significance. Let each intelligently contribute his and her share
for the welfare of the home. Certainly, the husband should not expect his wife
to stand in front of a newspaper office so that he may have the very latest
news! Neither should the wife drag her husband out shopping with her, etc.
Another stumbling-block is the difference in the method of
reasoning of the two sexes. Let us admit at once that both are logical, but he
in his own way, she in hers.
Man is logical in the sense we
usually attribute to him : logical in his ideas and in
his actions. Ordinarily, a man will act only after he has considered the matter
and, once he has decided upon a certain plan, he will
carry out that plan. But if something unexpected happens, he is at a loss what
to do. He will have to review his plan and alter it to fit the new situation
before he can proceed.
Woman’s logic is of an
entirely different pattern. Man’s is one of ideas,
woman’s is of events, occurrences. One word describes feminine logic : it is the sense of ‘adaptation’. She will make no
elaborate plan of action ; she adapts herself
spontaneously to anything that may occur. Her intuition prompts her to the most
advantageous solution of the problem until she gains the desired objectives.
It is because of this
difference in their ways of thinking that the man must make an intelligent
effort to understand his wife. Spontaneous, he will find her necessarily
changeable, constantly contradicting herself, tearing down today what she built
yesterday, etc. He must sincerely seek to find in these apparent contradictions
her striving, very often eager, towards a certain goal. An opportunist, she
will alter her course, adapt herself to any event or person as long as it
assists her in reaching her goal.
This talent for adapting herself, a talent with which has endowed her, imposes certain duties on her as a wife. It has been said that married people can be happy only if they meet each other half-way. It is a fact. But if one of the two should find it necessary to go more than half-way to ensure that happiness, then it is up to the wife to do so, because it is much easier for her to adapt herself to her husband’s ways than it is for him to adapt himself to hers. This applies to all circumstances relating to the home, food, way of living, tastes, etc.
These are two more points on
which the masculine and feminine temperaments oppose but complement each
other. Woman has a lively imagination and delicate sensibilities. It is
chiefly a visual imagination: With a single glance she will grasp, encompass
everything, colours, forms, etc. Then binding them together, according to the
impressions of the moment, she weaves them into fantasies, often very remote from
reality. Her “castles in Spain” are often, therefore, a source of unhappiness. On
the other hand, her ingenious imagination will endow her with a special
aptitude for delicate and decorative work: styles, interior decorating,
crocheting, etc. A true genius !
Woman is also gifted
with a very sensitive nature. A trifle will give her pleasure, but a trifle
will also cause her to dissolve into tears. She will note things that
ordinarily go unobserved by a man. She is never satisfied with the external
appearances of things, but looks for the underlying motives in every word and
deed. She projects feeling, a soul into inanimate things. Her sympathies are
easily aroused by suffering, her delicate sensitiveness will permit her to
understand her child before it is able to talk. There is nothing more beautiful
than to eavesdrop on the intimate conversations carried on between a mother and
her baby.
To man we often deny
any imagination. In the sense that we apply it to woman, man has little or no
imagination. His imagination, in effect, is not one of things. It is, if we may
say so, an imagination of ideas. Man makes plans and makes them in every realm
: economy, literature, philosophy, art, etc ... His imaginings, being more
intellectual, render him more apt for mental work.
His feelings, on the
other hand, are not so delicate as those of his wife. In many ways, he is quite
unobservant. His judgment, though, is less likely to be wrong as it is based
not on feeling but on reality.
It is easy to see how
these differences in the imagination and the emotional reactions of the two
sexes could give rise to frequent clashes and misunderstandings. Constant,
mutual understanding of the basic differences of the sexes is vitally
important. The woman’s imagination will cause her to dwell on and exaggerate
some lack of tenderness on the part of her husband ; she will try to connect
it to some other incident, some other trifling occurrence, and will arrive at
conclusions that, if not erroneous, are at least exaggerated. And the husband,
to whom it never occurs, that his wife might like such a present, such a delicacy or
such a caress, goes casually, blissfully, on his way, totally unaware of the
pain he is causing her by depriving her of these things.
Woman’s
judgment is more rapid, man’s more accurate. Woman’s intuition aids her in
readily grasping a situation, a state of mind, a mood, an obstacle. Her
judgment will therefore be hasty, her decisions spontaneous. Usually, this
first impression should be tempered by a more considered second thought. Otherwise,
there is a good chance that she may be wrong ... the more so because a woman
tends to judge according to her likes and dislikes, and usually her likes and
dislikes are very intense. Her first impression, good or bad will influence her
later judgment of a person or occurrence. Hence, the need for the more
considered second thought.
A man, on the contrary, before
passing judgment, will usually study the problem, weigh every possibility, measure
it from every angle and make his decision only after every possibility has been
considered. This takes time, it is true, but the result will be more accurate.
This difference will almost
certainly provoke a certain amount of friction. The wife will find her husband
slow; she will complain that he does too much figuring before making a
decision, that he takes all the pleasure out of life. She should console
herself by remembering that God made her husband this way in order to act as a counterbalance to her spontaneity. Nevertheless,
the man should not abuse this slowness. He must place his confidence in God and
make his decisions accordingly. He must help to correct, without being too
critical, the subjective judgment of his wife when it is obviously wrong.
Matrimony permits the husband and wife to complement and to
influence each other. Words will serve as the means by which they exchange
ideas. In this realm the principle to be remembered is this :
The wife should accept what her husband says as a fact: the husband must try to
understand what his wife ‘means by what she says.’
Unless he is a hypocrite, a
man says what he thinks. As a general rule, he has no use for diplomacy or
guile. A woman will gravely err if she insists on giving to his words interpretations
that he never intended. She has only to take him at his word: If she does this,
she will avoid uselessly complicating their relationship and that of the
family.
On the
other hand, because a woman does not always say exactly what she means, she leaves
a lot to the imagination. It will be a happy home where the husband can read
between the lines and interpret his wife’s wishes. She should make a practice
of telling him clearly her most secret desires if she expects him to understand
exactly what she wants.
The art
of tactfulness that God has granted to woman imposes duties on her where her
husband is concerned. She must be his guardian angel ... and very often,
without letting him suspect it ! She must circumvent
him, sway him, influence him so that he will always
remain on the right road - a woman’s natural work if she is a loyal wife. But,
and note it well, in her methods of doing this, there must be absolutely no
trace of deceit. Her influence will have been worthwhile if her husband can say
“My wife is much better than I am.”
Man’s self-assurance is much more
marked than woman’s. At the same time, it can be for him a very serious
temptation. As we have mentioned before, it is but one step from self assurance
to self-sufficiency and egoism. This one step must be avoided! This
self-assurance must be based on the humble recognition of his absolute
dependence upon God : dependence for continued life and strength, dependence
for the ability to do his work efficiently, dependence for all the other
graces, whether recognized or unrecognized, that enable him to fulfil the
duties of his state in life. No better principle could guide him through life
than the one enunciated in Lesson No. 2 (P. 31) : “Seek first the Kingdom of God
and His justice, and all these things shall be given you besides.”
Based on the two principles of a) absolute dependence upon God
and b) the promise of God’s providencial care for
those who place the emphasis on striving always for spiritual improvement, the
self-assurance of the husband will lead to both spiritual and material security
and peace for the wife and family. They, in their turn, can rely with complete
confidence on the husband and father as upon a channel of divine grace through whom flow the means of their temporal and eternal happiness.
The normal woman psychologically is entirely devoted towards
others. She finds her happiness only in the happiness of others. The husband
should realize that, if he wants to see his wife supremely happy and entirely
devoted to the welfare of the family, he must be attentive and foresighted
towards her. His efforts to train himself to anticipate her immediate desires,
her needs, to take her and keep her into a vital partnership (instead of merely
allowing himself to take her for granted), will reward him to an extent that
will be surprising. A note of caution may be necessary, however: he must be
careful not to spoil her by catering to every selfish little whim or caprice
that may be sought only for her own self-glorification.
What we have just said about
the self-assurance of man explains why he can laugh freely at the jokes poked
at him, whereas the woman would be greatly upset. The man would be well advised
to be more attentive to the judgments of others; the woman to be more
independent of these same judgments. In this way she could rid herself of the
slavery of fashion and so come to the development of and dependence upon her
own initiative.
Do men and women love in the same way ? This question must be answered by the emotional aspect
of masculine and feminine psychology. The answer will throw light on the way
the newly-engaged and the newlyweds should conduct themselves towards each
other if they wish to avoid tragedy.
As has been said in the third lesson (Differences in Conjugal
Love, page 56), men and women do not love in the same way. Man has one idea of
love, woman another, and this difference lies as much in the spiritual and
supernatural point of view as in the sexual.
When it is a question of love with regard to the man and the
woman, this love will have certain characteristics; its “colour”,
if we may so describe it, being drawn from the very
roots of the sex which gives it birth:
a) From the point of view of entirely sexual love, man, representing
the aggressive generative element
will engage in a daring, venturesome love. He will take the initiative. He will
seek the conquest of the opposite sex. He will seek to possess the female. His
will be an aggressive love which will lead him to act.
Woman’s role is to receive.
Her love, therefore, will be the receptive type. Woman will show her love by
seeking and accepting the marks of affection, whereas man will show his love by
giving them to her. She will want to be conquered; but, more or less knowingly,
she will play “hard to get” in order to excite his interest. She will avoid
him, but only inasmuch as it will make her seem unattainable and consequently
more desirable in his eyes.
We have repeated over and over again that the male, more than
the female, seeks carnal gratification. A distinction and clarification should
be made on this point. Man being necessarily aggressive, his love, his search for pleasure, for sexual satisfaction, will
appear more audacious in their exterior manifestations. As we have said, man
goes out in search of sexual gratification and finds it normally in the
opposite sex.
The female, on the other hand, being receptive, awaits man’s
pleasure for her sexual satisfaction. She does not show her love as he does.
For her the search for pleasure, for love, consists in a desire to be conquered
by the opposite sex. She will seem less eager for sexual enjoyment. This does
not imply that, left to her own resources, her nature may not drive her to the
gratification of these pleasures. Natural decency may save her from “going the
limit” in indulging her passions, but she will quite possibly give free reign
to her imagination. Also, much more so than the young man, she will literally
become enslaved by stories dealing with romantic fiction. Reading them, she
gives herself over to day dreaming, and may find therein pleasures and
satisfactions to an extent that is sinful in the eyes of God. With an ease equalling that of man she will indulge with her companions
in dirty jokes and conversations.
It is true that many women are
disgusted by the blunt, open efforts of so many men to gratify their carnal
instincts outside marriage. On the other hand, it is a sad thing that even such
men have been heard to remark, “If you want to hear a really dirty, disgusting
joke or story, go to the girls.” Certainly, there is considerable room for
improvement among both sexes.
b) If the manifestations of
sexual love vary so much between the sexes, it is not surprising that the manifestations of their spiritual and
supernatural love will be equally different. Let us repeat,
it is not that one has more depth or sincerity: It is that the love of man and
woman differ to the extent that it is impossible to compare them.
It must be noted, however,
that, of the two sexes, the young man has far greater difficulty to preserve
his chastity than does the young girl. The freedom and lack of restraint in
factories and business offices are a constant source of temptation, whereas the
young girl, more carefully supervised, is more protected against this
onslaught of evil.
Unhappily
though, in these days the young girl is drawn into factories and business
offices where, too frequently, a deplorable state of promiscuousness exists.
In this environment, she is faced with assaults against purity as violent as
are those of the young man.
Here
are a few means for the preservation or the reconquest
of purity and chastity. These are both natural and supernatural means.
1. The natural means are cleanliness,
devotedness to work, avoidance of occasions of sin (persons, books, pictures,
movies, conversations, songs, etc.) self-discipline and wise use of time.
2. The supernatural means are sincere love for
Our Saviour Jesus Christ, our most tender and loving Friend, and an ardent
desire to make Him known and loved; a devotion to the Blessed Virgin; the
heartfelt prayer: “Saviour, keep me pure in heart and soul;” the frequent
reception of the sacraments of Penance and Holy Eucharist. With these means,
there is no young man nor young woman who can honestly
say “I cannot remain chaste!”
Education
and environment play a big part in the practice of chastity. By his nature, man
is actively attracted by women. Consequently, everything that emphasizes her
physical build will certainly tend to stimulate, excite, and enliven his
interest in her, and rouse his passions. Too many a young woman often seeks in
this way by her behaviour, by her manner, by her
dress, to attract men. Styles that would compel all women to dress in this
fashion are nothing less than a curse! When such clothes (or lack of them) are
worn with the deliberate intention of thus attracting men, it is nothing less
than an eternal tragedy! Here we have a woman whose interest lies in attracting
men, even at the possible cost that her methods of so doing may lead to his
eternal damnation!
Many a young woman who so
stoutly condemns the boldness and forwardness of young men of her acquaintance
might do well to check up on the modesty of her own attire! Much of this boldness may be only the
reaction of her acquaintances to her own lack of consideration for modesty in
dress. If a girl dresses suggestively, then she should not be surprised if
passions are aroused. Unconsciously perhaps, but none the less certainly, it
is she herself who is drawing to herself the attention of young men; it is she
herself who appeals to their senses - and is the very cause of their
temptations.
Remark to the young women of
today that such a dress is indecent or immodest and the majority of them will
exclaim “But there is no harm in it!” Maybe they do not see or realize the
harm. It is an absolute fact that young men of today realize it: their passions
are inflamed by the sight of our modern young women with their seductively scant
attire.
Thank Heaven,
there are still many women who disdain such contemptible tactics as those
mentioned above. Thank Heaven, there are still many
who choose their clothes with Christian consideration for their own modesty and
with some forethought for the possible reaction of their choice upon their male
friends and co-workers.
Among these truly noble women,
however, the sad cry often arises, “Yes, we dress modestly, live clean - but it’s
the other kind of girl who gets the best husband!” This is a false conclusion.
Honestly now, what is your evaluation of the young man who is so easily led
astray by such girls ? Has he the strength of
character that you do want in your husband ? And what
would be your guarantee of future fidelity in marriage if he is so easily duped
by such obvious shameless tactics outside marriage. Is this what you would
consider “the best husband”?
Persevere, then, and pray that
when God will have completed His preparation of you for marriage, and you have
cooperated by helping in this preparation, He may then send you the one who to
you will be undoubtedly, the best husband. God richly rewards those who place
their entire trust in Him.
The young woman can do much to
help preserve the chastity of the man who will one day be her husband, and she
should do everything in her power. It is to her advantage to have her fiance love her with a love that is clean and respectful.
If, by her easy manners, her dress, her behaviour,
she arouses his passions, she will be the first to suffer.
Christian charity, the true
love that she should bear her future husband, should make her seek to be his
inspiration and strive to elevate his thoughts to the heights of purity and
modesty instead of dragging them down to the sensual. It is inspiring to see so
many young women who, by their reserve, and by their modest demeanour,
succeed not only in making themselves respected, but in raising as well the
love of their fiance from the sensual to the
spiritual! Blessed, indeed, is the young man who is so fortunate as to meet
such an ideal young woman! To quote part of the Gospel, “he has found a pearl
of great price”.
Let us conclude by saying that
a young woman must be reserved also in the expression of her affections. A
caress which to her will be meaningless, a mere token of affection, may be to
the young man a sexual stimulus that may very well be an occasion of sin. May
the young woman always remember that she should be his
guardian angel.
The physical features of the female exert a profound attraction on the male. On the other hand, the woman has a deep-rooted desire to charm, to attract attention and love. This desire to be noticed may result in her being coy and coquettish. Let her ambition be to please, but to please by her modesty and reserve.
This very desire of the young woman to be showered with attentions will make her exceptionally sensitive to the compliments paid her by her husband. The young fiance or husband should recognize the true qualities of his wife or future partner. He should appreciate fully her labours and her devotedness. A new dress, a tasteful ornament for the home, a good meal, all should be made the occasion for a well-merited compliment. That it be recognized and appreciated is the sole recompense a woman desires in return for her devotion. But it would be deceitful to exploit this feminine trait for an evil purpose. The young woman must be able to distinguish the sincerity or the knavishness underlying such a compliment. Otherwise she will fall easy prey to the self-love that we have described in this lesson.
This desire to charm is at the root of the jealousy that exists between women. Unconsciously, in feminine rivalry, there is jealousy at seeing another more successful ‘ than themselves, attaining the happiness that eternally eludes them, this one winning a suitor that she herself desired, that one getting married sooner than she herself, etc. It is a defect that must be overcome since it tends to lessen the worth of the one tainted by this outlook.
We know
now what we should think of the question “Does man love more than woman or vice
versa?” For us this question has been answered by what we have said above.
Each should love
wholeheartedly and not bother wondering whether they love to a greater degree
than they are loved. The aggressive nature of man and the receptive or passive
nature of woman will have repercussions even in the realm of love. Man’s love
should be a never-ending conquest of his wife’s heart. The woman should always
seek to incite and merit this love.
Man instinctively seeks “to love” in preference to “being
loved”. He will select a young woman who pleases him without her seemingly
having made any effort to do so. He will lose interest in the young woman who seems
to be running after him and who does not seem sufficiently indifferent. Even
after matrimony, a slight amount of
unconcern should persist in the woman’s attitude, if she desires to keep
aflame in the heart of the male the spirit of conquest which is essential to
his nature.
As the female has an
insatiable need to love and to be loved, she is capable of every sacrifice and
of total devotion, if she is only assured of her husband’s sincere and
constant love. This love she should arouse spontaneously, maintaining it by
the allure of all her most feminine charms, particularly those of the soul.
Never should she relax in her desire to please him, to charm him.
Poor deluded wife, sure of
herself, taking her husband for granted, ceasing in her efforts to please him
by a lively character, a charming manner, a beautiful appearance! She must not
forget that every day her husband is thrown into contact with other women,
beautiful young women who, sometimes unconsciously, seek to attract and charm
him. Wives must never forget that the winning of a husband does not end at the
altar rail with the pronouncing of the marriage vows. This conquest of his love
is only beginning!
Two warnings we would offer
before we conclude this lesson. The Christian family is the foundation and
support of a sound, happy, peaceful world. You can expect the devil to do his
utmost to wreck your marriage. In addition to the study of psychology which you
have just made, we urge that you make constant, full use of the graces that are
yours through the Sacrament of Matrimony.
Problems may arise when the
husband or wife (or both) may, for one reason or another, hesitate to speak out,, may hesitate to consult the other partner. It is an
unwise course to follow. Openly discuss your problems, attitudes - and ask the
Holy Family to sit in at your conference. Do not keep your differences stored
up in order to indulge in self pity over some real or fancied hurt. Mutual
understanding is not to be won through secrecy. “You shall know the truth and
the truth shall make you free.”
The second warning follows
from the first. Many a person who would otherwise speak out in an attempt to
produce the solution to a problem, fears to do so because of the partner’s
impatience, irritability, or stubbornness.
Both partners must strive to
the utmost to develop the virtues of honesty and patience if there is to be
mutual understanding. Be patient when your partner mentions a problem that
touches you. Impatience, like a smile, is contagious. One sign, one word of
impatience, leads to another; impatience leads to anger and resentment; resentment
leads to hate. Only, too gleefully does the devil rejoice over the home ruled
by fear of a nagging wife or of a stubborn husband.
It is a loveable quality to be able to
honestly, quietly admit that we have such-and-such a fault, and then make
efforts to correct it. It is a serious fault when touched pride rears up in
anger. Be honest, humble, patient, generous and open.
“In patience you shall possess your souls.”
What may have seemed too difficult,
impossible, before undertaking this study, is now clearly defined. It is to the
help of the Holy Ghost that you must have recourse in this study that you have
just made, one of the other. With the graces of Strength and Generosity
obtained through the Sacraments and prayers, you will find the courage to undertake
the psychological adjustments necessary to meet with equanimity the problems
inevitable in the making of a home.
Come,
Holy Ghost, fill the hearts of Thy faithful and kindle in them the fire of Thy
love.
Send
forth Thy spirit, and they shall be created.
And
Thou shalt renew the face of the earth.
0 God,
who didst instruct the hearts of the faithful by the light of the Holy Ghost,
grant us in the same Holy Spirit to be truly wise and ever to rejoice in His
consolations. Through Christ our Lord. Amen.