How it all started. 

	I was twenty four years old when it all started. I remember getting handcuffed, thrown into the back seat of that patrol car and getting told to “shut the fuck up!” by an officer. Worst day ever. You know what sucked even more? The fact that I was one hundred percent innocent and one hundred percent framed. That sucked even more. Every second, every minute. Wasted. A life taken from me, my life, my career, my goals. All gone within a blink of a fucking eye lid. Now here I am, sitting in a washed up, dirty ass stained prison cell. I have been here for five years now. Rotting, my life washing away slowly and painfully. I clean the floors with a dirty, old sponge and hope to god the mean bitches in here don’t put their filthy fucking hands on me or grab my genitals. Just to prove a point. No touching me because they want a “bitch” they just want to make sure I know that they’re the big bosses here, the ones in charge of this shit hole. Making a statement. Hey, I remember making those. Course they were about me being the best damn ballerina in all of Philadelphia, New York city and wherever else my damn pointe slippers danced on. My name is Molly Mcdormand. I guess I just started talking to myself last week to be exact. I think that means I’ve officially gone insane. Which is okay, makes sense to go crazy when you’re stuck in a cell smaller than a bathroom for five years straight. 

	“Molly. Hey! Wake the fuck up girl. You got a visitor. It’s your lawyer! Hey! Hey you hear me girly!” A female security guard screams to the top of her lungs. Her scratched up cigarette voice. 

I sit up in bed. “I fucking hear you! Stop yelling like I’m your damn kid or something! Geesh!” So I got up, and of course I was already awake. Who could sleep in this shit hole anyway. I put on my thin ass, white tennis shoes. Oh how nice, orange jumpsuit and white tennis shoes. How lovely. 

“You know Molly. I don’t have no kids because I’m too busy babysitting your dumb ass along with all these other dumb ass prisoners in this bitch!” The security guard laughs. 

yeah,  I shed a laugh or two with her and my cellmate, Jackie too. Oh man, Jackie really is a murderer. She killed her ex- husband, Marcus. She grew up in the ghetto of Phili, far from where I am from. He used to rape and beat her constantly. Even after they divorced. He felt it was his way of telling her he had a “forever love” for her. Though she knew it was strictly plain old fashion abuse. She was a good wife, she worked, cleaned, cooked and cared for her two kids Roberto and Tia. See, she’d always tell me “Molly you don’t know what it’s like for me to be in here. Another black woman locked up by some asshole cop who will never understand why a happily, married woman killed her husband. Abuse. Just couldn’t stand it.” She’d of course, tell me that and how good I had it as a white woman. Though it never got me out of here. So what the fuck is the point of trying so hard. Right? See, I knew I would never get out of here. That I’d be locked away for the rest of my life. I could deal with that. I have been, even though I cry almost every single fucking night. 

“Let’s go Molly.” Security guard yells once again. 

“I’m fucking here. Hello! Who’s here anyway?” I ask, tired. 

She opens the cell, my roomie, Jackie sits up, peeking her tired eyes up and slowly tossing herself back into her pillow, tightly under her sheets. 

“Your lawyer.” She tells me, padding me down softly. You know, checking for any weapons made out of a dry bar of soap or toothbrush. This shit happens more than you can possibly think. It’s insanity.  She handcuffs me, tightly and painfully. Though I’m very used to the discomfort of the handcuffs and routine. I have scars on my wrist that aren’t that visible but very if you look closely. That’s how many times I’ve worn tight handcuffs. 

So now she escorts me out of the cell, down the dark hallway and into this small dungeon-like interrogation room. I haven’t been in this room since I first came here. This causes me to go into a quick shock and a nasty anxiety attack. I can feel my heart pounding, almost like it’s about to pop out of my chest. “Why are you placing me in here? Did I do something? You know I never do! Hey!” I bell out as the security guard walks out, of course with a nasty grin on her face.

There is now a silence. “Bitch.” I mutter to myself. 
“Molly.” A familiar voice walks in. Shutting the door behind him. A tall, handsome, older latino man walks in. His name is Luis Medina, my lawyer. He walks over to me and sits right in front of my handcuffed ass. 
 I am speechless. 

“So. I have some good news Molly. It’s been three years since we’ve had a conversation longer than an hour, baby right?” He smiles. 

“What no bad news?” I ask. I’m pretty serious. 

“No. Now you’re going to get mad when I tell you. It will hurt. Badly. I need you to shut up and not interrupt me. If you do, I’ll get up, shake your hand and walk out of here.”  He demands.

“What? Okay. I got it.” I laugh. Obviously because there is never any good news. So why not make a good day out of it by laughing. Right?

“Say you promise.” He points. 

“Ugh! Really Luis!” I laugh. 

He pounds his fist on the table. I swallow my spit in a bit of terror towards my scary ass lawyer. That must be why he wins so easily. Super scary.

“Okay. I promise.” I whisper. 
He points at me a gesture for “you better not talk until I’m finished.” So we’re silent. He stares at me. 

“Okay, now I know we’ve been through this a million times. I know how this must feel for you.” I interrupt him.

“Yeah, it feels like fucking shit is what it feels like.” I blurt out.

“Hey! What the fuck did I tell you? I only asked for one thing or I’ll get up and walk out of her Molly.” He yells. 

I  just nod my head and shut the fuck up. 

“So. now that I got you doing exactly what I asked for when I first walked in here. Will you listen? Please. Good, okay. Don’t need an answer for that. Look Molly there is no easy way and there is no hard way of saying this. You are getting a court date next week and there isn’t a chance of this not happening. You’re getting out of prison and you’re going to be a free woman once again. I am going to get you out of here today. I went to the court, talked to the judge, lawyer’s and my team. You're’ free Molly. We did it mijita. (he pauses) Something happened. Your former dance mate, company mate, whatever you feel most comfortable calling her. Well, she confessed to the murder of your artistic director Jaques Garnier. She said she had nothing to live for and she kept seeing your mother in her grocery store, during her shopping visits and something changed her. Last holiday she said. Well, in fact she cried a lot Molly. She said she couldn’t live with what she had done. Pure jealousy. She finally admitted to rubbing his blood all over your dressing room, ruining your clothes and stabbing him, of course to death. Well, she confessed to the murder. You’re a free woman once we arrange to have a court date. Possibly sooner than next month with what she put you through, ruining your career and all.” Luis stopped speaking. 

I am speechless, jaw dropped and faint.  

“Molly. Honey do you hear me?” Luis leans in, rubbing my hand. 

I am silent and turn my attention to my lawyer. I look him in the eye, silently. 

“Did you hear a word that just came out of my mouth Molly?” He asks. 

He stands up. 

“Can we get these fucking handcuffs off of her please!? She’s innocent and it’s been closed. Let’s go. I’m getting her the fuck out of here. Do you hear me Molly? I’m getting you out of here. Right now. Let’s go!” He says furiously and eagerly. 

I stand up, Security, two males walk in and there in this brightly lit room, they uncuff me. It’s slow motion in my world when they dig the key into the cuffs, the light sound of that key twisting, unlocking and releasing is pure bliss to my imprisoned ears. I am stunned. This was something I’ve day dreamed about almost everyday and suddenly it was actually happening. So unreal and just reviving. 

“I don’t want to leave.” I tell my Luis. 

“What? Wait what did you just say Molly?” He leans in to me, closely. 

“I don’t want to leave Luis. I don’t. I have nothing anymore, no money, no job, no house, no one. I already had my life fucked up for me. So why go back and start again? I’d rather stay here, this is more of a home for the last five years to me than going back out there and facing my family.” I can’t believe I say these words. 

“Molly. Listen, you’re in shock honey. You need to relax, sit down and have some water. You’re getting out of here baby. I worked hard for the last five years to get you home and I didn’t even have to anymore, she confessed. You’re free Molly.” he sits me down. 

“I don’t know what to do.” I whisper to him. 

We share eye contact for a few seconds before he stands up and again with the scary lawyer demands, he screams “everyone give us a couple of minutes. Please leave the room. Now! Leave the room.” 

The two security guards leave the interrogation room, they give her Luis a “screw you man” kind of look, I just sit there.  Usually I’d give them a good “yeah that’s right you better walk away!” shout. Prison has really turned me into this mean, tough, troublemaker man. 

“I can’t believe this. You’re telling me you’d rather be in this place than go home to your nice family Molly?” Luis asks. 

“Yes, because I have nothing. My family could care less about me. I get letters, I get gifts but they hardly say anything to me other than I love you. It shows.” I cry. Here come the waterworks. 

“It shows what baby? Stop that! Do you know I go to the family dinners, I drop off gifts that you tell me to drop off. You know that? So why are you acting this way? You know they love you. I know they love you. Look if things change you have me. I’m not just your lawyer I’m a big part of your shitty ass life. Get used to that and get used to living again. You’re out of here, right now so get up let's go. Start living.” He commands me. 

He lifts me up, we share a nice, long, warm hug. This is something I haven’t felt in such a long time. Something I really needed to feel again. To mainly help me realize that I am alive and this is my life. Whether I am afraid or not I have to start living it. 

“This feels so good.” I whisper in his ear. 

“Imagine everything you’re going to feel again once you get out of here? Don’t be afraid Molly. Go back to your life.” Luis kisses my cheek. I close my eyes and for a moment forget how free I am. 

	The rest of the day went by slower than any other day. I was told if I wanted anything from my cell I’d have to do that first with security. I refused. Anything I had in that cell I decided to leave there. That was my old life, what I like to call my second life. This is my third, my middle and what I liked to believe is a fresh start once again. Unless of course, my ass gets thrown into prison again for some commonly unknown reason. God, me and my many scenarios that sabotage my day.  I say goodbye to my cell mate and we share a hug and a private conversation. I am allowed to shower before I leave.  Luis buys me a plain black crew neck, white T-shirt and blue jeans, he hands me beautiful Nikes for runners, cloth material and vegan. I like it. He says “comfortable is the way to go.”. I don’t shed a tear leaving that place. I do get screamed at and called “cunt” by the jealous un-released prisoners. However, I scream to the top of my lungs “Goodbye bitches” and walk out jolly, while everyone cheers for me. Yeah. hiding the pain can be a hard thing. So why not laugh? Like I always say, makes the day better.

Luis walks me to his car. I turn around and stop for a second. He walks over to me, putting his arm around my shoulder, Like a father almost. 

“Hey. put my coat on. I’m sorry I got you an entire outfit and forgot a jacket.” He places his long, polyester coat over me. 

“What is it Molly?” He asks. 
“It’s just been five years since I’ve seen this place from the outside. Like really outside. Beyond the gates, you know? Kind of going to miss it. Like it or not, this shit hole was my home for the last five years. It really is insane when you think about it.” I look up at Luis. 

“Well, get used to being outside of these gates. Come on.” He pulls me over to him, holding me close and escorting me to the passenger seat of his car. He unlocks the door from the passenger side, letting me in. 
“Thank you.” 

He nods. 
“Are you ready to go?” He asks politely before turning the key. 
“More than I’ll ever be. Man let’s get the fuck out of this place.” I laugh.  

As we drive off I admire his car, a beautiful 1982 Cadillac eldorado. Mint and cherry red.
“Something other than being free and smelling the fresh breath of air on your mind?” Luis asks. 
“Admiring your car. It’s so sexy. I haven’t seen a car since. Well since five fucking years ago. This is quite a beauty Luis. how long have you had this?” I ask. 

“About three years now. Won a good case three years ago, not yours. However, we’re going to be loaded soon. Don’t worry we’ll do all that this week and then you should get everything within two weeks. I’ll explain more over a meeting, maybe tuesday. Don’t know I’ll have to get back to you on that. For now the best thing to do is relax. You also have several doctor appointments lined up this week as well.  I had your mother arrange all of them, from physicals to pap smears and shots. You have to get that done. Fucking germ city and shitty doctors in that hell hole you were in.” Luis blabs. 

“Yeah. lots to fo and only so much in my week. How can I not be happy!” I sarcastically let out. 

“You know. This is just this week, the hassle won’t be all month. One week, got it? You have to get this shit done. You sign the papers, get the money you’ll never have to work another day in your life.” Luis tells me. He’s very determined. 

“Well either way I wouldn’t be able to work a day in my life ever again. Hello! Remember what happens when you’re framed for the murder of your company director!” I chuckle. Man, I’ve really become an asshole. 

“Yeah, sorry. They’re actually going to clear that off your record Molly. Of course, it’ll still be on file. However, totally cleared. Again, that’s what we’re going to cover this week.” Luis is very determined, even more with the more we talk. 

“Well, this is great news. Really. ( I pause for a moment) Hey, where are we even going Luis?” I ask curiously. 

“Your parent’s house, don’t say no. I know you’re going to say stop or don’t or that you’re not ready. Well, there is no easy way to do this. So we’re doing it now before I tire you out all week. You’re going to stay with them until you’re settled and as your lawyer I demand this Molly. Understand?” Luis looks me in the eye. 

“Yeah. I fucking got it.” I rudely replied.

So we arrived. After hours of driving, maybe seven total. We park in front of suburbia. Penn Wynne to be exact.  My mother runs out of the door, her nose, red from the cold weather. She runs out of the house and over to the car. Luis lets me out before she can make it to me. 

“Hi mom.” I whisper and she grabs me, holding me in her arms like she never has before. This brings back a disturbing memory. The day I was sentenced, the moment I heard “sentenced to life in prison.”, the pound of the judges gavel, my dizziness causing me to see faces as blurs, and my mother. Holding me and screeching in agony. This reminded me of that particular memory. 

I shoved my mother off me gently. 
“Molly. My girl, I missed you so much, I’m so sorry they did this to you. I’m so sorry baby.” She hugs me once again.

Luis gives her a gentle hug, he notices how uncomfortable I am and he nicely tugs my mother off of me. 

“Thank you! Thank you Luis. Thank you, for saving my daughter.” She hugs Luis now, gripping him tightly.

“Mom, stop the hugging please, let’s just go inside.” I tell her. 

Of course I’m sad, and hiding my tears. I sniffle and suck the snots back up, I can’t spend my freshly, freed days sobbing in self pity. So instead, I avoid all the sadness in my situation. 

“Molly I’m your mother and I can’t help giving you hugs and kisses, I don’t care how old you are. You’re my daughter and I’m just so happy to see you. You don’t have to be mean.” Lindy, my mother weeps.

“Ma stop crying. I didn’t mean it like that.” I respectfully say. 

“She just has been a bit changed by her situation, you understand. She’s not going to be this way forever, temporary. Don’t worry, the hugs and more will be unaffected within days. You’ll see. She just needs some space right now Mrs. Mcdormand.” Luis explains. 

She understands and politely places her head down. “Alright, I’m just so happy.” She whines. 

“Me too mom, me too.” I tell her, Now I'm the one wrapping my arms around her. 

As we walk towards the large, white, freshly painted house, My childhood home I start to see memories, flashbacks and disgustingly horrible teen romances.  

“Wow. I missed this house.” I let out. Damn. That was supposed to stay in my head. 

“Thinking of being a teen and sneaking out late at night to meet some guy?” Luis jokes. 

“Actually no. I never did that.” I laugh. 

“Girl?” Luis jokes. Again. 

“Nope.” 

We all share a laugh. I tumble a bit over a piece of cracked pavement, my mom grabs me like I’m six and falling off a slide. I take off the coat and hand it back to Luis, who puts it back on.

“You okay there?” She asks. Gosh, she won’t stop sniffling and crying. 

“Yeah. guess it’s me against the world huh?” I chuckle. I really don’t feel like talking honestly, I’d rather be in bed. Or in a prison cell. Weird huh? All I feel like doing is laying in a bed all day. I’m finally free and want to be secluded in a small ass room. Life certainly is exceptionally strange. 

“We have some food in the kitchen, a nice chicken dinner for you, some hot fresh vegetables. Maybe some coffee?” My mother tells me, patting me on the back.

“Yeah, that all sounds very good mom. Thank you. Did you prepare it or order it and just pretend?” I ask.

“Don’t be a smart ass.” Luis tells me. 

We enter the house and there he is. My autistic, twenty three year old brother, Ryan. He’s so handsome, tall and just the sweetest person you could ever meet. He opens his arms and we embrace. Holding Ryan makes my day. Always has, even before my sentence. He is the most kind hearted person you’ll ever hug. I know, how many times can a girl repeat herself right? I look my brother in the eye. 
“Did you miss me Ryan? Cause I sure missed you.” I softly tell my brother. 

“How come you don’t let me tell you I miss you or hug you like you’re doing to him?” Lindy rudely asks. 

“Oh mom. Me and Ryan just have a certain connection is all. Don’t get so jealous.” I laugh. 

“If you say so.” Lindy walks off into the kitchen. 

My father, James walks out. “Hello, Molly.” 

Luis is silent throughout this. Almost like a scary chaperone. 

“Hi dad. How’re you?” I reply.

“Come here!” he opens his arms and I walk over to him, letting my dad hug me. with my mom she reminds me of that terrible moment in the courtroom. Everyone else reminds me of a safe place. It’s not that I have something against my mother and her hugs, it’s what it takes me back to. 

“I missed you darling. You don’t understand how terrible it was without you. I can’t imagine how you felt without us. I can’t imagine what you went through. God has given you back to us, all good things happen. They just take time.” James, my father informs me. He informs me of this purpose he has. To make his daughter happy. 

I’m not the only daughter, It’s me, then Ryan and finally my little sister Maddie. She’s sixteen and a smart ass. I haven’t seen her since she was younger. 

She walks over to the front entryway, she stands with her arms crossed. Of course, like a nasty, attitude kind of teen. 

“Hey Molly. Nice to see you. Dad, can I go to the movies and can you please pick up Keke and then drop us off? Like around seven? So maybe now?” She rudely interrupts. 

My father lets go of me, my mother takes Ryan to the kitchen to fix him a plate of food. James stares at Maddie who’s ignorance ruins our love festival. 

“Maddie stop being so rude. I know you’re much younger than your sister and Ryan so you only care about getting drunk and laid but look. You’re going nowhere tonight so go upstairs and cancel with whomever you had plans with and then come back down and get ready for dinner. Your sister is home, she’s going to be staying with us for as long as she needs to. So don’t be disrespectful, cut the ignoring her crap because you’re growing up and on your period and come give her a nice hug and kiss.” James calls out. 

“First off I’m sorry you were locked away. I don’t mean to be rude but you’re right I am a teenager and I do need to go out and have fun. That’s what teenagers do. Secondly dad, I don’t do hugs for someone I hardly even know.” Maddie rudely blurts out. 

“Maddi-” I interrupt my dad from yelling at her. 

“Actually Maddie it’s okay and if it’s no problem dad I would love to drive her and her friend to the movies tonight. I think it would be a great way to get to know her a little better. I mean I don't mind her missing out on the big dinner. She has her own life, let her enjoy it. It’s done.” persuading my father. 

Who might I add is very difficult to persuade. 
He doesn't speak for a moment, he places his thumb on his chin, pondering. 

“Molly, listen you’ve been in this house for ten minutes and suddenly you’re running this shit. No. She needs to respect dinner. Respect the homecoming of her older sister and that’s it.” 

“Dad! No. Look, sorry! I do respect her homecoming and I do know how sad her life is and has been, I respect her in every way but look dad she said it’s okay! Please!” She stomps, putting up a typical teenager hissy fit. 

“Oh so now you like her don’t you? Well. no. go wash up and cancel with your friend Maddie. That’s it.” 

James gives Luis a handshake. “You don’t know how much happiness you’ve brought us today. How much life you brought back into this house Medina. Thank you.” He smiles. 

James walks away into the kitchen joining my mother and brother. 

Maddie angrily walks upstairs. 

Luis turns to me, he places his hands on my shoulders. “It’s all on you from here on our kid. Except this week. We’ve got a lot to do.” Luis kisses me on the cheek and walks out the house.

My heart races, my chest, head and face hurts. Another anxiety attack all over again. I open the front door and run to Luis. Good, he hasn’t made it to his car yet. I stop him ny tugging on his coat. 

“Hey! What’s wrong. Oh come here.” Luis grabs me, holding me. Finally I start sobbing, I let all the pain and misery pour out of me. I feel so good, crying really does help you. 

“I’m sorry. I just feel so safe with you Luis. You’re the only person I can trust. I don’t know how to do this. I’m so fucking scared Luis.” I cry and cry, tears ruining his beautiful suit and warm coat. 

“Let it out. Go ahead. Let it all out Molly.” Luis grips me tight. 

Finally after nearly thirty minutes of leaning on his car and sobbing on his neck, Luis lifts my head up. 

“I know how much trust you feel with me. It makes sense, you and I have been through a lot Molly. I do have to go, but I’ll see you again all throughout this week. Okay?” He tells me.

He uses his tie to clean my face. 

“No. your tie! Don’t do that.” I push his hand away.

I laugh a little bit, trying to shrug off any pain I am feeling.
“Shut up. Now go back inside, go to your family and live your life again kid.” He lifts my chin up.

“Thank you. Really, thank you for giving my life back to me Luis.” I tell him.

“Can I give you something just so you can know what else feels good besides a hug? So that you can see how much true living feels? How good something can make you feel? So that you can believe in yourself again?” He politely asks. 

I tilt my head. “What? I mean sure.” 

Luis romantically, in a way kisses me. Not two kisses, not a soft peck and a long kiss, not a french kiss, not even a kiss on my cheek. No, he gives me one beautiful, long, real kiss on my lips. My eyes shut, his eyes shut and his fingers brush against my face. Luis looks me in the eyes. 
“How did that make you feel?” He asks. 

“Alive.” I tell him. It’s the truth. 

“Then go and live.” He smiles. 

I let him go, there are no words. Just silence, he drives away and waves while doing so. It’s strange how one single kiss can suddenly change your whole perspective on life and getting back to where you left off. Or in my case, starting over again. 

“Bye luis.” 

Oh man. Time has flown. I’ve been outside with my lawyer while my family sits in the dining room waiting on me. As I walk back into the house there are only knives, forks and laughter in the next room over, the dining room. 
I sit on the staircase, leading upstairs. I put my hands on my head and stare down at my feet. 

“Where the fuck do I begin?” I ask myself. 

“You okay?” Lindy asks. She peeks over at me from the kitchen. 
“Yeah. just thinking ma. Just thinking.” I tell her. 

She walks over to me and sits beside me. 

“Listen. I saw you out there with your lawyer. Are you hiding a secret love affair or something?” she laughs. 

“No. he just brought me back to life is all.” 

My mother wraps her arm around me and wobbles me back and forth. 
We giggle at absolutely nothing together. 

“Hey mom. If it's no problem. Do you think I could just skip the family dinner? I know it’s rude and that Maddie had to skip her friendly hangout for me. I just can’t do it, the whole jumping back into the family so quickly thing. It’s harder than I thought it would be.” I insist. 

Mom thinks about my question for a moment. 

“No. I know that your lawyer told me to lay off and give you the time you need but I can’t do that Molly. You have to join us. Please.” 

I nod okay and we slowly make our way to the dining room. She has left a chair out for me in between Ryan and Maddie. I sit and join them. It is a very shocking moment, one that makes me feel so weird and out of place. Man, have I become the black sheep of the family? I do believe so. 

There is a little bit of the silent treatment between everyone now that I’ve joined the meal. 

“So. Are we all going to be quiet or talk about the day? I don’t have much to say except that I got released from prison today. Maddie? Want to go next?” I ask. 

“Nothing much. Dinner and a movie. Oh wait, I missed the movie part. Just woke up, curled my hair, changed my tampon. Dinner.” Maddie utters.

“Maddie cut that out.” Lindy remarks. 

I laugh. James does too. 

“Molly, did your lawyer tell you what is going to happen next?” Lindy asks. 

“Well. This week I have a few appointments I have to attend. You know, physicals and shit because I’ve become more buff but incredibly unhealthy if you can believe it. Then I have some other meetings. I have to sign some papers and then I get a shit load of money that is going to last me the rest of my life. Then I plan on beating the shit out of the bitch that did this to me. Though, I don’t think I can because she’s incarcerated now.” I announce loudly. 

“Molly. Don’t say things like that please at dinner.” Lindy declares.

“Wow how much money are they going to give you?” Maddie interestedly asks. 

“Of man, I don’t even know. That’s what happens when the state, city and police department arrests you without having enough evidence. Splattered blood thrown all around your room and a dead body in your dressing room closet, sure does help you out.” I laugh. 

My father bangs his hand on the table to shut us up. To shut me up especially. 

“Molly. Stop.” James demands.

“Sorry dad, I kind of got carried away there. Sorry.” I apologize. I mean it. 

Maddie is silent, along with everyone else at the table. I look down at my plate of food. 

“Sorry I asked.” Maddie admits. 

“No. it’s okay. Sorry I went overboard there!” I joke. 

“So besides Molly’s day, what movie should we watch together after dinner kids?” James asks. 

“Honey, they’re not kids. Well this one is.” Lindy says, pointing at an annoyed Maddie.

“Well, I was supposed to watch a movie tonight with my friend. So not really up for a movie dad.” Maddie annoyingly blurts. 

“You’re watching one.” Dad demands.

There it is again. Big fat silence around the table, forks and glasses making those annoying “ting ting” noises. 

I take a deep breath.

“How about a Keifer Sutherland movie? You know I haven’t watched a movie in so long. Five years, as I said. Fuck. crazy. Yeah, I’m in a Keifer kind of mood tonight. How about Lost Boys or like young guns or something.” I admit. 

“Sounds good kid. Sounds good.” My dad smiles at me.

After dinner I sit in the kitchen, everytime I try to pick up a plate to help my mother clean, dry or put away, she pulls it out of my hand. I get it, she doesn’t want me doing anymore work due to the fact that I’ve been doing hard labour for the last five years in prison. I just don’t want to be treated like a child. 

“Mom. I can manage to do a couple of handy things around the house, let alone some dishes. Please don’t push me away.” I admit.

“Molly, don't worry about that. Maddie is perfectly capable of helping me with the chores. She’s a teenager these are her duties if she wants me and your father to pay for a good college and watch her fail partially because she decides to get laid or drunk instead of attending class.” my mother laughs. 

Maddie rolls her eyes. Something I never used to do but now it’s going to take me a long time to get used to. 

“Mom. I was being serious but I get your point, then again I don’t agree. I’m not lazy though or a kid so please don’t treat me that way.” I let her know.

“Molly, I just want you to relax. You’ve been through so much. Is that bad that I want you to relax?” She asks.

“No. it’s not. I got it, I get it and I’ll shut the fuck up.” I blurt. 

“Molly! Stop cursing. You were never like that.” 

I look at my mother. 

“Come on, you know why I’m different. I’m going to take a bath.” I pat my mother on the back and she pulls me in, hugging me. Maddie smiles at me. I don’t touch her because she’s so not used to me and me with her. 

I walk away and make my way upstairs. As I walk up the staircase I notice family photos that I’ve never seen before. Mainly because I’m not in any of them. I continue to make my way up, my heart breaks just a little bit from that left out feeling. I pass bedrooms, and bathrooms and finally there’s a door with a ballet sticker on it. Two pink pointe slippers surrounded by glitter.

 “Hi me.” I whisper. 

I twist the doorknob and gently but roughly push open the room door with my palm. There it is, my younger self. All my things, magazines, pink pillows, workout equipment, photo albums and more plastered around my teenage room. 

I moved out when I was twenty two and yet this particular room is bringing back the most memories. I shut the door behind me and make my way over to my bed. 

“Man. I haven’t slept in this room since I was a stupid ass teen.” I laugh at myself. 

My mother opens the door and stares at me. 

“I know I got to give you your space and you don’t like to be bugged. However, are you okay?” 

I shrug my shoulders. 

“Hey mom. Why is this still the way I left it years ago? Why did you never change it or let anyone else move in? Rent it out or something?” I ask. 

She walks over to my old dresser and opens it. Man I hate that old white, worn out dresser. 
The wood underneath reveals under old, chipped paint. I can remember when I applied the paint and put those ugly lily, roses and daffodil stickers on it. Disgusting. 

“I thought about turning it into a sewing room or storage room. You know like a big closet like Carrie from that sex show.” 

“You mean sex and the city?” I laugh. 

She hands me a change of clothes to put on after my bath. 

“Yeah. That bird.” Lindy smiles. 

“Thank you for being so kind, mom. I mean it. You’re terrific and please forgive the change in me and my rudeness from time to time.” I tell her. 

She pets my head. 

“Molly, the warrior.” she says, walking out of the room. 

So I daydream. I lay back in bed. Yeah, forgetting that I really wanted to take a bath, so instead I think of how grateful I should be to have gotten out. It’s just so rigid. It really is. 

The worst happens. When I sit up, try to fix my messy, long hair. I turn towards my small side desk, beside my bed. I noticed a colored photograph. There it is, my heart, Aiden. 

 Aiden with his arms wrapped around my body as he holds me like we just got married or something. Him making me smile, His short, brown hair and dark,indian skin. He’s tall, thin and extremely handsome. A bit older than me, didn’t matter to me though. Oh, my Aiden. How could I try to block him out of my homecoming? Out of me coming back to this city? How could I?
I walk over to the photograph in its glass frame and stare at it. 

Me and Aiden met when I was nineteen years old in Community College, right here in Philadelphia.  I met him working as a Barista in a small coffee shop, while studying and dancing I would often nearly pass out at work. Not literally pass out, just nap occasionally. So one day this tall, handsome man walks in. He wakes me up and starts saying “if you’re so tired why bother coming to work?” I couldn’t believe him.  

I think I fell in love with him right there and then. Now I spent most of my time dancing and trying out for major ballet companies around the world. Somehow this particular man had my attention instantly. From that moment on I was love stricken, he had no girlfriend, just a nice grin on his face. From that day on we were inseparable. Always together and always talking about our future. 
	Now, of course I thought about him in prison. Every single night to be completely honest. Sometimes I would just lay awake and stare up at the ceiling, with my hands around my stomach and giggle about him. Thinking about him and somehow I could feel him thinking about me. We never wrote to each other, I sent him a letter the first week I went away telling him that I didn’t want to ruin his life or get in the way of making a life, getting his career as a photographer on track or even falling in love. He wrote me back telling me that I was the love of his life, that his career would be the last thing in his life. Telling me even if he did meet anyone he’d never be in love with them. That I was the one. Yeah, “The one”. I know pretty cliche right? Though, when you meet “The one” He or she could really be “The one.” Picture perfect isn’t it. Damn I can’t stop thinking about him now. He and I are the same age, I wonder what he’s doing now. I wonder if he knows what I am doing, or where I am. No one knows that I’m out. Unless the fucking news put it out in less than an hour, which I’m sure they did. 

“Aiden.” I whisper to the photograph. 

I dismiss this feeling, the emotions that my heart is now going up against. I grab the change of clothes my mother left me on the bed and make my way out of the bedroom. I stare at the photo before fully leaving the room, I take a deep breath. 

After a second, I turn the light off and leave the room.  I walk back, my new attitude and flip the picture down. I lift it up again and while whimpering, toss it on the floor. Leaving the room, once again. 

Now, my  bubbly bath is warm, soaped up and cleansing. Oh man, I haven’t had a bath in five years. Pretty intense feeling if you ask me. I missed the bath, I don’t even know how to properly sit in a tub anymore. So I sit up and hold my knees, placing my head on them. 

So all I could think about since this morning was going back into the real world then being around my family. Now, all I could think about is the lover I was taken away from. My Aiden. Oh fuck, this hurts really bad man. 
“This sucks!” I shout at the top of my lungs. 

My mother begins knocking on the bathroom door within a blink of an eye. 

“Molly! Is everything okay? You yelled something sucks. Did you get sucked into the tub? Molly?” She begins shouting. 

“No, I just meant life ma. I’m okay, everything is fine ma. Don’t worry, I just had to let that out.” I shout to her. 

“Okay. Please don’t do that again.” Lindy yells, she walks away. 

“Okay. I won’t.” I reply. 

“What?” She shouts again. 

I roll my eyes, oh wow have I turned into Maddie now? Or my dumb teenage self.

“Mom! Nothing. I just said Okay!” I yell. 

She walks away from the door to wherever the hell she ran from in the first place. 

So I try to take my mind off of things, when I say “things” I mean Aiden.  How do you take your mind off of things? By simply shaving. Something I haven’t done in five years and it feels so incredible. Wow this feeling, shaving I mean, It rocks! It still doesn’t take my mind off of things though. 

I leave my bath, after having a fresh shampoo and soapy, bubble bath and incredible shave I might add. I am feeling slightly better. Maybe a five out of a ten.

When I walk into my room, I throw down the photograph and toss my towel in the laundry hamper. I shut the door quietly. Man this feels weird, not having anyone pat you down before you enter or exit your room. 

“What an exhausting day. Nothing has been easy, this entire process of getting it back together has been extremely grueling.” I talk to myself. 

I tuck start digging through photo albums and cd’s, cassettes and records. I laugh at old photographs and smile at some. I found my favorite cd by U2 “Rattle and Hum. My favorite band. I put on “All I want Is You”. I start to cry. Oh this was a bad idea. Why did I decide to listen to this specific track out of all of them? I flip through my photo album and there we are again. An entire page dedicated to me and Aiden. Photos of us throughout our entire relationship. 

I start to remember the last day I was with Aiden. I was waking up in our apartment in downtown, Philadelphia. Or known as “center city”. I was making enough money to support us and this expensive loft we rented. He was making a lot of money at the time from wedding photoshoots. At this time I was the highest dancer and most skilled, known and well I hate to admit it but plastered all over the papers, web streets and billboards in the east coast at the time. 

Yes, I was getting famous and yes, I was very happy with my success. See, this is where blistered toes, corns, bleeding nails and even missing nails gets you. I had managed to finish three years of community college and make it past round 3 for auditions at the “American School of Ballet” and yes, traveling was exhausting back and forth weekly. Monday through wednesday I’d be in New York City and travel back for my free days with Aiden. We’d spend hours in bed, making love or just talking about what’s next or what to eat for lunch. We had a dog, a lab, Plixton. He’d also spend time in bed with us. Man, those were the best days of my life. I even started teaching in New York one year into my company contract. That’s how skilled I was, how well trained and disciplined I was. Especially to the younger students. I was very satisfied with my career, my life I was building with Aiden and how perfect my life was. However, not everyone was happy that I was having the time of my life. That’s why I was framed by a former company dancer, one who was supposed to be my partner. Just another dancer, teeming with hatred and envy. That’s something I don’t want to ever discuss though. Cause the most I can do was say “she ruined my life!” and shriek at the top of my lungs. I just won’t. I won’t and I choose to talk nothing about her, that evil witch or how she stole my life, how she took away the love of my life, Aiden. 

So laying in bed that day, Radiohead’s “All I Need” played, when it ended “All I want is you” played. There is the memory I introduce to you. The reason I am currently tearing up over a photograph, a song. Thanks Bono for this. Really buddy, you’ve managed to make heeled boots and long hair look sexier than Mr. David Bowie.  

I remember it clearly, Aiden sliding his hand out from under the sheets, from under my silk night dress to be clear to my face. He slid his hand to my lips and brushed them gently with each of his fingers. Oh, I miss that tingling feeling, that soft tickle. No matter how much you know someone, or have been around someone you if you really love that person then you always go back to that “butterfly” feeling when you’re around them. Oh, I really love that feeling. So much. 

“You’re gonna marry me baby?” He asked me. 

“I do.” I joke. 
“I mean it Mol. I mean it.”

“Of course I’ll marry you Aiden. No one else, ever. Only you.” I kiss him. 

He kisses me. As the time went on, that gorgeous morning. We held on to each other. 
I dressed, ballet outfit of course, Aiden staring at me under the sheets of our king sized bed. 

“What?” I ask him.
“I’m just looking at you.” He shoots me a smile. One I still haven’t forgotten. 

Let me get back to the present, Now. This moment, oh man, I haven’t cried this bad since the day I was arrested. That first night in that prison cell. The screaming and cursing being thrown at me, threats and looks I received that afternoon. The worst pain I have ever felt in my entire life, well being taken away from Aiden was far worse than anything I have ever felt. 

Tossing the photo albums deep into my teenager, empty closet. Course it’s not totally empty, it's filled with magazines and dresses that stopped fitting me at fifteen. I slam it shut. 
Waiting for my mother to walk in, again. She doesn’t. James, my father walks in. 

“I don’t know what you’re going through, but I’m sorry.” He holds me. 

	Tonight ends with me crying in another man's arms, again. My father. He keeps asking me “tell me.” or “I know sweetheart” and I just keep trying to speak through my sniffles “Aiden” or “I can’t take this.” Finally, I guess I fell asleep in my dad's arms because I woke up in bed, tucked in.  I get up, clean out those annoying, hard eye boogers. Man I haven’t gotten one of those in five years. That means this is the first time in five years that I’ve gotten good sleep. I have a killer headache though. It’s most definitely from crying my eyeballs out. So what do I do. I sit up, take the sheets off of my body and sit up. I used to wake up every morning and snap my toes on the carpet. Man, my blistered ballerina feet were always aching. I remember those days like they happened last night. Nowadays my feet are clean, un-blistered and so soft. I wish they weren’t, I loved my tough feet. The pain they had showed just how good of a dancer I was. How much pain I was willing to put my body through just to show a beautiful dance every night to some rich, cake eating, coffee drinking stranger in Upper Manhattan or any upscale town. Oh, how I loved it. So fucking much. 

“Oh man, well time to get on with my day. My busy week.” I fill myself in with today’s plan. 

Monday 
I have meetings, two with Luis, my lawyer about what's next. We sign some papers, nothing fun but it gets the day moving. 

Tuesday 
I am officially off record as a felon. Of course, it’ll always be visible in the “system” but it won’t be visible to employers. I sign the last of the papers and shake hands with some boring lawyers. 

Wednesday 
I get a check the size of jupiter. I get a bank account and we manage to fit all that money in there. Well, we make savings too. 

Thursday
I attend two doctor appointments. One at 9 am to get some shots and a physical. Another at 11am to get some dental fillings and a cleaning. 

Friday
I go for an annual eye exam, even though I don’t wear glasses. Everything comes back healthy and happy. 

Saturday
I am officially finished with all meetings and all paperwork and finally all doctor appointments. Now I am a free woman. Get it?

Sunday
The “Day off” typically for people who work. Well, that’s something I’ll certainly never have to do ever again. I mean, have you seen my bank account? 

So my parents are almost ready to leave for church. My mother walks into my room. I’m sitting on the floor on the other side of the bed, staring out the snowy window. This is the end of march and well, the season is nearly finished and I enjoy this moment. 

Lindy, my mother walks over to me and joins me. As usual. 

“You want to join us? You don’t have to dress in church attire like your father and I. also if you don’t want to come you don’t have to. Maddie stays home. You’re also not obligated to come. I keep mentioning it because I want you to come.” She tells me, brushing my hair behind my ear with her finger. 

“I’ll come but can I wear a band T and sweatpants?” I ask. Serious as dog dirt. 

She nods her head yes, in approval. 

We walk out  carefully so we won’t slip from the snow and cracked sidewalk. We make our way into my mother’s 2017 Ford explorer. The drive there is boring and the car takes forever to heat up. 

“Dad, how is the restaurant? I never asked, I’m sorry.” 

He leans to me, I’m in the back seat. 

“It’s good, yeah. We just re-did the kitchen last month and that finally finished. We also have more seating, people like that. New tables too. Looks nice, you can come for lunch, dinner, breakfast whenever you want sweetheart.” He tells me.

“Sounds cool dad.” I smile. 

My father smiles at me, he and my mother slowly move their hands toward each other and lock fingers. I look down, a little sad. Mainly because I don’t have that, another reason? Aiden. Oh boy this is going to be extremely hard.  What if I run into him? Or what if he’s married with kids? What if he died? Oh shit, don’t say that Molly. I can’t help it, I'm gonna ask. No don’t be crazy don’t ask your parents anything. Oh screw it. 

So I blurted out “Have you seen or heard from Aiden at all?” 

Total silence. Until a few seconds later my mother turns her head to face me.

“Well, we see him every christmas, thanksgiving, almost every holiday and birthdays too.” Lindy admits. She turns towards the window, avoiding me in every way and swallowing her spit. I can hear the shakiness in her heart. 

“What the fuck do you mean you see him every holiday? He comes to the house? I stopped writing to him for a very specific reason mom. So he could move on mom. With his fucking life! Why did you keep inviting him over? What the fuck is wrong with you?” I shout to my mother. 

My dad slows down and parks the car towards the side of the church. Wow, perfect timing right? 

He turns off the car and places his keys in his coat pocket. 

“Molly. Don’t talk to your mother that way.” He shouts at me.

“Fine. sorry ma, sorry. I just am so pissed off you know?” 

There is a long period of silence. My mother holds my arm as we walk out of the car and into the church. We make our way in, greeted by the local priest. We take our seats at benches a few feet away from the front row. 

“I’m really sorry mom. That I yelled at you like that. You know I can’t help it. The doctor-” My mother interrupts me, whispering. 

“I know, he put you on a couple of antidepressants. You don’t have to explain anything to me. I don’t blame you for getting so pissed off. Oh, forgive me for the cursing. Look, I’ll let you know anything you want to know. You got that?” She whispers. 

“Yes. Thanks.”

So into an hour of church and we don’t speak at all, except a few “god bless you” or “thank yous” brown around, Handing of a bible or two. Then suddenly looking over to the next row two kids are sitting together, brother and sister from the looks. It makes me smile. Seeing how at peace they are. 

“Hey mom. Can I just ask you one more thing?” I whisper. 

“You can,” She whispers back. Turning to me while trying to keep her attention on me. 

I admit, this next question that I am tempted to ask is sitting in my throat. So I lean in a little closer to my Lindy. 

“Is he with anyone? You have to be honest with me mom. I need to know, please.” I whisper. 

“Yes. Her name is Caroline. She’s tall, short blonde bob, side bangs, great body, perfect legs, dresses like an upscale Manhattan bitch. She’s a realtor. Sells a good amount of houses a year from what he’s told me. She only came to Christmas last year with him, no she wasn’t meant to ever be a replacement of you Molly. So don’t say it. They’ve been together for about two years now. Last time I bumped into James, we spoke. He told me he’s marrying her. They haven’t picked out a date, they’re not sure when or where. She wears a ring, no date, no nothing yet. I could be wrong and things could have changed. However, I don’t know. I’m sorry baby. What happened to you was not fair. It’s not like you two broke up, it's that you were forced to be apart and then he ends up with some woman who’s clueless to you. Course, he could've told her about you and never told me that. However, She’s not you and I can always hear it in his voice when we speak. How much that kills him.” She turns to me, sadly. 

I don’t have anything to say. So again, I swallow my spit and I look down. I stand up and without any words I walk out of the church. I don’t look back, I don’t even explain myself to my parents I just leave. 

“FUCK!” I scream once I hit the corner, far from the church. 

I bend down and start throwing up, I didn’t even eat anything yet to throw up that much. Must be last night's chicken. The only thing I’m feeling right now is pure pain. My lover, who was forced to be taken away from me, is now engaged. Has been engaged and might even be getting married next month for all I know. This shit hurts so fucking bad. Like someone I hate is right in front of me and we’re about to either fight or argue. You know that feeling? Yeah, I do and it sucks. 

	I go back and sit on the front steps of the church. The cold marble freezing my ass cheeks off. I ignore how cold it is and huddle up. No tears, no whimpering. Tough, strong and motivated I have to be. 
	After another forty minutes of church, the service is over. My parents and half of the dang city walk out of the church. I stand up and make my way over to the Ford. My parents finally meet me and Lindy gives me a look. Not a look I’ve seen in her face ever. This look is a “I feel so bad for you” kind of look. It hurts me to see my mother hurt for me like that. Man, and I thought I was strong. I thought I wouldn’t be hurt like that ever again. Not from a single look. Damn. I hate hurting people I love. 

“Let’s go home baby.” Lindy tells me softly. 

The drive home is completely silent. I mean nothing, not a word from anyone. Except for a couple of coughs and sniffles. 

We manage to make the drive home as relaxing as possible, along with the walk out of the car and into the house. I go up into my room and lay down. No food, water, nothing. I lay in bed, on my back and here it comes again. Time to ponder. Suddenly my sister walks in. It’s strange. The one person I thought who hated me the most is here. 

“Hey.” She says calmly, like she doesn’t want to even be here. 

I sit up. “Hey Maddie. What’s up?” I ask.

She walks over to me and sits on my bed. “It’s okay that I sit?” She asks. 

“Don’t be scared of me okay.” I tell her. 

“I’m not.”

I roll my eyes. 

“I know you are. Prison thing makes me kind of scary? Maybe it’s the fact I have a nasty ass mouth. Don’t know. Look, whatever you heard about me. It’s false. You know that right?” I ask her.

“I know. I guess It’s just the prison thing sis. I get scared.” 

I smile at her, happily like a new student who just made her first friend. 

“You called me sis. Awesome.” I let her know. 

“So yeah, whatever. Okay, this is my old iphone. It's this year but I just got the new one that came out. I’m not sure if you know how to use an iphone but either way it’s set up, has a number that’s attached to our family plan. So you’re good to go. Mom told me to give it to you in case of emergencies or for your own friendly use. Some shit like that. So here you go. All of our numbers are on it so don’t worry.” She explains, handing me the cell phone. 

It’s matte, black phone case, white screen glowing like something I never seen before.

“Thanks a lot. I think this will come in handy. Thank you. I’m going to bed so just tell mom thank you okay?” I tell her. 

She leans in and hugs me. Gripping me, she seems to have made a friend too.
“You’re hugging me tight there.” I whisper.

“I’m sorry that your dancer friend did that to you. I’m sorry you had your life stripped from you and that your man was taken away from you. He’s very nice, we have met lots of times before. I feel so bad sis. I really do.” She lets me go. 

We don’t exchange anymore goodbyes or goodnights. She locks the door and leaves me alone. 

Oh wow, this night has changed my whole mood. I lift myself up and lift my eyebrows. I stare at a photograph of me standing in front of something. A car, my car, my 1976 Golden brown Chevy Nova!  How the fuck could I forget the one man who never left my side and will never leave my side!? How did I forget my baby? How? Why? wow! 

I hurry out of my room and run towards my parents room. I knock on the door.

“Yeah!” my dad shouts. That’s his way of saying “come on in!”

I stumble in and as they’re in bed, watching a film or some shit I move in closer to them. 

“I can’t believe I forgot about this. It’s been an entire week and I’ve been so busy with the meetings, sleeping or even thinking about Aiden I forgot about my car! My Nova! Is it here? Garage? Where? Did you guys fucking sell it? Oh man I hope not, cause I put a lot of money into that fucking car-”

My father interrupts me. 

“Keys are right beside the garage door. Pink chain attached to them. We never drove it, only cleaned it for you. Go enjoy yourself honey.” My father smiles at me. 

I jump into their bed and give both of them the biggest hugs in the galaxy, like a kid waking parents up on christmas morning. 

As I run down the staircase, I storm out of the house and walk to the back door, I move in and finally make my way down another hall that leads to the basement and the garage, I grab the pink chained keychain and open the door. Nice and slowly and under a black tarp, I lift off. There it is. My Nova. 

I crawl up to the side of him, I softly rub my fingers on his beautiful, shiny, glitter paint job. 

“Hello baby. Did you miss me? Cause I sure missed you!” I gently talk to my car.

I chuckle and open the door, I start him up, buckle up and like a first time driver I jump around in excitement in my seat. 

“Let’s go for a little ride. It’s been too fucking long baby!” I shout to myself, and my car and back up. 

I lean out the car window and press the “open” button for the garage door. I don’t even care if it’s going to close when I leave or not. This neighborhood the only thing getting stolen is your newspaper because the delivery boy forgot to toss one at your house. 

“Here we go.” I boost myself. 

This long ride I take is nearly two hours, most of it, sitting at public parks on the hood. Some of it driving slowly through old streets reminiscing.  I see my old high school, my old college, library, movie theatre and even my old favorite diner. Memories run around my little mind and make me sort of tear up, if they’re deep enough.

Finally I pass by a dance studio downtown. I park it and don’t pay for the parking meter, because it’s not like I’m going to be there for twenty years. 

Walking over to the studio doors I walk in. I see a woman sitting behind a desk, mid twenties, looks a bit like me. 

“Hi, how are you today? What can I help you with?” She politely asks. 

“Hey, thanks, how’s it going?” I reply.

“Great thank you. Do you have an appointment?” She questions me. 

“I’m actually looking to teach. I taught at the School of American Ballet. I was curious if you have any opening positions? Or do you have studio time available for solo artists at all?” I ask. 

“Yes, we actually have some opening slots. With the fee charges listed beside each time, date and size of each studio.” She tells me as she hands me a thin piece of paper. Then she hands me another piece of paper. 

“Thanks.” I take a look at each.

“The second sheet is an application. You can always apply even though currently we’re not hiring, we have positions filled at the moment, applying with that resume of yours would probably help in the future.” She smiles at me. What a fake fucking smile, but she’s very nice so it’s nice. Therefore I’m being nice. 

I smile back. 

“Thank you. I’ll just sit right down and take a look if that’s okay. Pen?” I tell her, ask.

She hands me a black ink pen and I smile again, sitting down at nearby seats. 

I take a slot time for Saturdays and Sundays at the $500 studio, solo room. I put down my bank account information, read it off my card and finished signing the paper. I then fill out the application of course, leaving out the prison time. I walk back over to her when I’m finished and hand her the papers.

“Thank you, Molly.” She tells me.

“You’re very welcome. Here is my card if you want to charge me for the rest of the year. Right now.” I tell her. 

She stops and gives me a look. Like “is she serious?”

She takes the card.

“Um. You do know how much it would be for the entire year don’t you? Do you have that budget?” She questions me. 

“I am rich, leave it at that. I don’t really care for it but here you go. Charge me.” I raise my eyebrows being the newly typical asshole that I am. 

“Thanks.” I wink. 

As we finish up I leave with a receipt in my hand and smile. I twirl around like a dickhead outside the studio, I don’t care if the receptionist sees me. I am going to start dancing again and nothing makes me happier than the art of ballet!

I drive my ass home where I run upstairs, dig through my closet and find perfectly fitted, new, pointe slippers and ballet clothing. Thank goodness I had this craft since I was a kid and teen otherwise I’d be spending right now a couple of hundred on ballet attire. 

The night begins and I’m sitting on my carpet making the biggest fucking mess of my lifetime, besides my idiotic ass walking into my company dressing room, touching all that blood and shit like a total idiot. 

Hey, why do I always do that. I always go back to the worst top ten of my lifetime I swear. Spending my night breaking in these pointe shoes is such a headache. the glue,the sewings the cutting and burning, pulling out the wood, adding compression. Man, it takes a long time but all this effort goes into something extraordinary. 

“One down. Three more to go.” I tell myself, trying to be as quiet as possible so i dont wake up anyone. I have two pairs of slippers and only finished one, perfectly in a single hour. How sad. 

The next morning I wake up and I’m surrounded by ribbon, sewing string and slippers. I pack up the good and toss the bad. I have my gym bag lined up and come Saturday I’ll have everything ready to start dancing again. My mother shouts from downstairs “Molly you have a visitor!” 

“Okay! Coming!” I shout, I don’t think they realize I just woke up with a stiff neck from knocking out on the floor. 
Who the fuck is visiting me besides my lawyer? 

I rub my tired eyes and make my way down the steps, oh fuzzy socks never felt so good. I make my way down each step slowly and there she is. My only black friend, who’s more mean than me, but in every way the most trusting, honest friend a girl can ask for, Tonya. My greatest old friend. 
We met when I was fifteen at a bake sale for the local church. Yeah, the church I went to with my mother. We were both giving each other nasty looks all day. Me selling home baked brownies and her Muffins. I think I made the most money that day, but shaking hands and becoming friends instead of hating each other became the greatest ending to a villain story ever. 

“Tonya.” I whimper. 

With her arms out waiting for me to run into them, which I do! She screams “Molly!” 

We giggle and laugh and can’t finish or start any sentence without gasping for some air, we hug. 

“Oh my goodness you don’t know how much I needed you. I’m so sorry. I am so happy you’re here. I missed you!” she tells me, belting out little cries. 

We look into each other's eyes. 

“I really missed you Tonya. You don’t know how much I needed you man! You needed me? Na I needed you!” I admit. 

“Well, I’ll leave you two alone. Have a good day alright!” Lindy says, slowly and happily leaving us alone. 
I ran upstairs really quickly giving Tonya the “Wait just a minute” Finger. I hurry and change into a simple pair of jeans, sneakers and band T and jacket. Simple, comfortable me. Can you imagine years of being told what to wear for five years straight? I just want to throw on a towel nowadays and I’ll be fine. 

“So how are you? What’s new?” Tonya asks joyfully. 

We pause. “Oh shut the fuck up I was in prison and then I got out. There ain’t shit going on in my life but crying and shit. Let’s go for a ride in my car! Come on!” I tell her. 

We make our way to the garage, I open each door for her like a friend should do and we start by strapping our seatbelts then drive away. Garage, open, us backing out. You know how that goes for me. 

“Where are we going Tonya? Any cool new spots in this dumb memory of a city?” I ask.

“Let’s go park it at the park?” She tells me. 

“You got it. Want to get some whiskey?” 

She laughs. 

“Actually can you pick up a friend for me? I totally didn't check out the time and my car is at your house now.” She asks. 

“Sure. boyfriend? Friend or like what?” I question her. 

“Actually my son. His name is Daniel, he’s five and just leaving school in twenty minutes. Totally slipped my mind.” She tells me. 

I stop at the light, I don’t have to drive once it turns green because well, there's no one on the street anyway.  So we pause.

“Wait. hold the fuck on ! you have a son. Like an actual baby that you shoved out of your vagina and brought into this world! How did I not know about this. We wrote to each other almost every month and you never told me you have a five year old son! Wait. five? That means he’s Kent’s son?” I ask. Stunned and hysterical. 

“Yes. He’s Ken’s son. I know, I never wanted to bring him up in my letters because I didn’t want to remind you about the things you may not have been able to do. You understand right? Where I’m coming from Molly right? Gosh I’m sorry! I don’t want to talk about anything that happened to you, I know how bad and depressed that can make you. We’re not going to do that. With me it’s a fresh new life for you and fresh new topics and things to look forward to. Okay? Ugh! sorry!” 

She gives me a look. Here we go again another sad look. 

“I understand. I do. You’re a good friend, see you didn’t want to hurt me.” I tell her, and I mean it.

“I didn’t.” she lays her head on my shoulder.

“So tell me more about your son, Daniel. He seems cool.”

She laughs. 

“He’s a good kid, top of his class and really good at listening to me. He loves his father, but Kent refuses to take him when I’m busy. Sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn’t want anything to do with him. He’s a jerk. You know he left me right? For some bitch named Justina. Some stupid name like that. He just really left me.” She starts laughing. I lean her up and look at her silently. 

“What the fuck? That’s not funny!” I yell at her. I admit, I let out a small laugh. 

“I was supposed to tell you more about Daniel and instead I started speaking about Kent and how he left me! I’m so hung up on him and that was three years ago! Sorry. The last thing you need to hear is relationship troubles and especially someone else's right!” She holds her head.

“Did you do anything for revenge?” I ask. 
She grins. 

“Well, I stuck a dirty tampon in his muffler.” 

We stay silent then start laughing like the wind got knocked out of us. Hysterically, I mean. 

“Okay that might’ve been the dumbest revenge plot I’ve ever heard.” I cry.

“So what would you do then Molly?!” Laughing uncontrollably. 

“I would go to his car right now, take off my belt and wrap it around my fist and beat the shit out of his car. That is if he still has that little red firebird right?” I ask. 

“He sure does. Come on, he’s like you and this Nova. He’d never let his little girl go.” She laughs.

So we pause again, this is one of those moments where we don’t know what each other is thinking or what is going to happen next. So instead we wait for someone to talk first and hope for the best solution to our little problem. Idea or whatever you want to call it. 

“You thinking what I’m thinking Ton?” I ask her anxiously. 

“No! He’ll know it was me!” she giggles.

“No he won’t! Trust me. That was what three years ago or some shit that he left you like that? Why the fuck would you wait so long! Plus he knew the tampon was you? So you’re done sabotaging him in his book, for all he knows! Come on!” I insist. 

She bites her thumb. “Fine! Fuck it. See this is why I needed you! For shit like this Mol!” She laughs, she’s pumped and ready to go.

“Alright! So we’re going. Let’s do this. He needs this. He was always a jerk!” I admit. 

“Oh wait! Daniel! We’ve got to pick up Daniel Molly!” she giggles. 

“Let’s do that!” 

So she points me towards the direction of Daniel's school. We wait out front, leaning on the side of my car. I slide my hands in my jean pockets and we wait patiently. She walks over to the school entrance, where the teachers are escorting their students out. The sound of the annoying school bell makes me cringe. I see Daniel, a small little boy run over to his mother. He hugs her and shows her a picture he colored in his class. I know what they’re saying from a distance. 

“Mommy I did this” or “wow you colored so beautiful Danny!” things like that. I admire everything about this moment and what my courageous friend has in her arms. That small hand she holds makes me smile. The view of a mother and her son is beauteous. It truly is. 

“Molly. This is Daniel and Daniel this is Molly, your auntie.” Tonya introduces us. 

Daniel waves at me and shy, he smiles. 

“Hi.” he cutely says. 

“Hi little guy. Want to go for a ride?” I ask. 

“In this!” he shouts in joy. 

“Yes!” I open the back door for him and Tonya helps him get in, buckling him up nice and tightly. We enter the car and before driving off we stare blankly at each other once again, laughing. 

“Let’s get this over with. I really need this done.i It’s been a burden Molly.” 

We drive over to his house, parking far down on the corner of the dark, silent street. 
I turn off my car and glare into my review mirror, where I can see Kent’s firebird. 

“Daniel. You wait here baby. We’re going to lock you in for just-” Tonya shuts up realizing her son is asleep. 

“Oh. even better.” I whisper, pulling off my belt, we get out and make our way towards Kent’s parking lot. We sneak behind cars trying to hide our giggles. Gosh this feels like when we were in high school doing bad shit or sneaking out of class to go to the mall. 

“Molly. This scares me! We’re too old for this type of shit!” She lets out. 

“Oh stop being such a pussy! Come on.” I demand. 

We make it. We’re facing his car. 

“Damn. I don’t think I can do this Tonya.” I whisper. 

“What! You’re the one who just told me to stop being such a coward.”

I turn to her. “I said pussy. Not coward Ton. Besides, this car is too pretty. Karma is going to get me. Then again I don’t think it’s going to get me because I had shit done that I didn’t do. Does that make sense?” I ask, not taking my eyes off the beautiful Firebird. 

“In a way. Yeah, that does work.” Tonya laughs. 

We slowly walk over to the car. She has rings on, so what does she do without even telling me. She starts back fisting the hood of his car, slowly moving her hand up and down, deep into the hood and the scratches. Small. Not good enough in my book. 

Look at me. I’m now Miss know it all because I’ve been to prison for five years. 

“You shitting me?” I laugh. 

“What?” she stops and starts turning her head, confused at my choice of words. 

“Stop! Go to Daniel. Now! I got this!” I wrap my belt around my hand, making sure the buckle is between my thumb and palm. I start smacking the car back to back, letting the buckle fuck up his car. I get the hood, windows, doors and bumper. 

“That’s it!” I yell. 

Oh boy, the alarm on his car starts going off when I give it a really big bang on the front driver's door. I start laughing and run away towards my car. I can see Tonya laughing from a distance with her head out of the window. “Start it up!” I shout to her, and she does. She starts up my car.

I make my way to the driver's seat and we’re off as soon as I get in!

“Forgive me baby for not letting you warm up but we got to go!” I tell my car. 

Within a few minutes we’re in front of my house. Parked up and we just can’t stop laughing. 

“I can’t believe that we did that!” 

I tell her to hush and she does, you know the old “shh” with the finger thing. I don’t want her to wake up her son. She peeks back at him and then starts holding in her laugh once again. 
“I’m done. I’m done, okay. No more laughing.” she lays her head down. 

“I think to not bring any karma we need to stop talking about it.” I laugh. 

“Molly. You’ve made my night, you really did. I can’t thank you enough for bringing me back to life.” 

I tilt my head. Did she really just say that to me?

“Thank you for bringing a little bit of me back to life too. Wow. strange that you’re saying that, because I have been told that all week. That I needed to start living again or that something like a hug or simply a kiss could bring me back to life.” 

I get a little serious there. 

“Well, I’m glad.” She smiles. 

She hugs me once again. 

“Me and you are going to be together a lot now. I promise you.” She tells me. 

I give her a kiss on her cheek.  Tonya lets go of me, she shuts the door gently and opens the back door, unbuckling Daniel. I turn and smile at a sleepy Daniel. 

“Bye.” I wave. 

Tonya slowly closes the door and leans down towards the passenger window giving me a wave goodbye. I watch her walk away, get into her car and drive off. I tilt my head by on my seat and take a deep breath. I feel like things are looking up. Most definitely. 

I leave my car and walk backwards taking a single glance at my baby. 

As I enter the house I walk into the kitchen. My mother is drinking some wine alone at the table. I sit. 

“Hey ma. You okay or what?” I ask.

“I am alright. I just had a headache and the wine helps. Plus, I can’t stop thinking about you.”

“Oh ma you don’t have to think about me.”

“But I do.”

I sip some of her wine.

“I guess you have that right since you’re my mother and all.” 

She places her hand on mine.

“You don’t ever feel bad for being you and having to go through with what you did. You made a mistake touching that blood and all the things that made the framing perfect. You were curious and didn’t even notice the blood when you touched that shit. Don’t let anyone tell you different. You made a mistake, like spilling milk on the floor or denting a car.” She tells me.

“I did something like that tonight.” I laugh. 

“What?” 

“Nothing. Hey mom, it’s not bothering me, even though I don’t like talking about the whole thing anymore. However, did someone bug you today about me or something? You are a bit drunk, whether you admit it or not I can clearly tell.” 

She chugs the last of the wine in the glass. 

“Yeah, some bitch at a grocery store was talking about how the town killer came out of jail and how they’re saying you were framed and she simply doesn’t believe that. So I stuck my nose in her conversation because I have that right as you said. You’re my daughter. I told her shut the fuck up you stupid bitch my kid was one hundred and ninety nine percent innocent and the state of Pennyslvania has every detail to prove that. Then she dropped her turkey and walked out the store angry.” 

We don’t say anything, we just start laughing. Just like me and Tonya tonight. The no words but a terrific, well needed laugh. 

My father walks in and starts helping my mother fix up the kitchen. 

“I got this honey. You sit.” He tells her, giving me a nice wink. 

“Well, I’m going to hit the hay. But question, what's up with all the wine bottles? Who turned into an alcoholic today?” I joke. 

Although there are about seven bottles of red wine around the kitchen.  

“Well your clearly drunk mother won’t explain, so I can. Tomorrow is my birthday. Don’t you remember that Molly? We’re having a small get together, a nice little dinner. Close friends and family.” 

I start running my fingers through my hair, of course I’m embarrassed that I didn’t remember my own fathers birthday. 

“Oh my god dad I’m so sorry!” as i try to apologize my father holds me in his arms. 

“You have nothing to be sorry about. Your mind is elsewhere and that is fine. Dress nice tomorrow. Okay?”

I nod my head, yes. 

“I’ll go find an old dress. There’s a ton of clothes in my old closet. It's insane.” 

“Go on. Oh and Molly. Aiden is going to come. You know he and I are a bit close. He’s coming tomorrow Molly. I didn’t want to tell you, but I didn’t want to hide that from you. I know how long it’s been and I don’t mean to throw that onto your lap kid. I just want you to be ready. It’ll hurt and I know you’re going to get horrible over seeing him. Please, forgive me. If you’d like. I can tell him not to come.” 

“No. it’s okay. I’ll be fine. Don’t worry dad.” I give my father a kiss on his cheek and lie to him. 

I turn my back and leave up to my room, my eyes hurt, I start silently crying, trying not to turn around completely avoiding him. 

I think he can tell I’m sobbing to myself, holding the little noises deep inside of myself. I can do that, hiding pain in prison has made me a pro out here. Typically if you get caught crying in the big playpen you get your ass beat. Not because it’s annoying anyone but because you can’t be a child in the big bad house and think it’s okay. It makes more sense when you’re really in there. Trust me. 

I spend all night crying, scared to sleep because when I wake up it’ll be morning. Then afternoon and well that’s when Aiden will be here. In my house. Instead I take a nice, long bubble bath. Then I brush my wet hair, then I pull out my old dress, short, tight long sleeve sleek black dress. 
I grab the tallest, shiniest black heels from my mother’s hall closet and place the outfit on a chair in my room. I pull out makeup, dark browns and a nice brown, badge lipstick. Ready for me to put on in the morning. I lay myself down in bed and stare at my cross necklace on my side table. I put it on my neck and kissed it, closing my eyes and falling asleep. 

Behold, the next morning. 
	I’m not ready. Then again I can’t be a punk. This is a small town and I was going to run into Aiden sooner or later. Knowing he still lived here, yeah it was bound to happen eventually. I guess sooner than later, today to be straight. 

“You can do it Molly. Get your ass out of bed and get ready. It’s already eleven twenty seven. Shit.” I knock down my alarm clock and get up. 
“Molly. Are you up? At noon guests are going to be here for the little party. I had a headache all morning.” My mother yells outside my bedroom door. 

“I wonder why.” I shout to her.

“What?” She remarks. 

“Nothing. Yeah, I was up. I’m nearly ready.” I lie.

I hear her walk away and I get dressed, do my makeup and put my hair up in a nice ponytail. 

“Okay. You can do this. Open the fucking door and walk out of your room and go downstairs. Right now Molly, right now.” I tell myself. 

I open the door, I push myself and I walk down the staircase. I get smirks from assholes I don’t even recognize, some I don't know. Those assholes most likely hate me because they think I killed a man. The others give me smiles and “heys” or waves. Those others know I didn't do anything.  There’s probably only about thirty people total here, maybe twenty six if I feel like counting. 

“Damn you look sexy. You really got a body and a great ass. Not to mention legs, tits, wow Molly didn’t know you looked that good.” Tonya tells me. 

I turn laughing. 

“I hope you mean that, cause that would kill men. By the way you sound like a man Tonya.” I laugh.

We share a nice, long hug. She is wearing a strapless red dress. Daniel is beside her and we high five. 

“He likes you.” She tells me.

“Good, cause I like him too.” I smile. 

“You really do look good Molly.” Tonya admits.

“Thank you. I have to say your mom jugs are ridiculously huge.” I admit.

“I know right!” she flaunts. 

“I am going to help my mom in the kitchen, outside I think from what I hear kids are playing. Maybe Daniel can hangout with them so he won’t be left out.” I tell her.

“Will do. I’ll go take him back there. I’ll find you after.” 

I walk into the kitchen, closing the door behind me and my mother is putting food out on a cart to push outside. 

“So I guess we’re eating outside?” I ask.

“Yes. Maddie is going to take this outside. Then you can come back in with it and do the same.” She continues to cook the greens on the stove.

Maddie enters and takes away the cart of food.

“Just this one right?” She rudely asks.

“Yes, then bring it back.” Lindy shouts.

“Hey mom. Let me finish cooking and have Maddie do the last of the cart pushing when I’m one hundred percent finished with the stove food. Anymore to be done or just these greens on the burners?” I ask. 

I push my mother gently away from the stove and start turning and seasoning the food some more.

“Just that. I woke up at six this morning and that’s the last of it. The fridge and table outside have dessert and coffee. The cake too. For later though. Are you sure honey?” She asks motherly. 

“Yeah, it’s cool. I got it. I do have kitchen experience you know? I worked at dad's place and well, prison!” I joke adding an evil laugh or two. 

My mother rolls her eyes at me and leaves the kitchen. 

I continue handling the food, waiting for it to be finished. Almost there, I give it ten minutes or so. 

“Ten minutes or like seven the most mom! Then all these suckers can eat!” I yell to the top of my lungs, knowing my mother has exited the room and can’t hear a single word coming out of my mouth.

Someone enters and I think it’s her. 

“You heard. Seven minutes. Ding ding ding. Then all these donkeys who think I killed a man can finally eat their fucking meat.” I laugh, thinking it’s my mother walking in the kitchen. 

“Molly.” a familiar voice whispers behind my back. 

I hear it, I know it and I drop the large, wooden spoon in the mash potato pot. 
Slowly I turn around and there he is. Aiden. The love of my life. Staring at me, watching me cook food from behind like a weirdo. I stand there with my mouth open, I lift my hand and cover my lipstick mouth. 

He drops a plate on the floor. Not caring for it he walks over to me, both of us tearing up, speechless he moves in closer. He grabs my hips, pulling me closer to his chest. Our torsos touch, I slide my right hand across his cheek, he slides his hands on my back and with one hand he holds the back of my head. 

“Aiden.” I whisper. 

“You’re really out.” He mumbles.

As I start crying he stops me and I stop him from crying. By kissing. Passionately kissing, I mean tongue and all kinds of kisses. Like it was the moment we first kissed or something. In a way it is, like all over again. I don’t know what to tell him but we had our beginning, this isn’t our end this is definitely our middle. Endings don’t feel good like this. Oh man, I thought seeing him was going to hurt but this feels so good. 

I can hear my mothers heels walking towards the kitchen “what was that? Who broke a plate I could hear my china break over the fucking music Molly!” Just as she’s walking in, we let go of each other. 

Staring silently into each other's eyes. 

My mother walks in and joins in on the silently staring contest. 

“Oh my god. AIden. Molly. I’m so sorry, I heard this plate break from a far and well, you know me. Oh fuck Molly. Turn the burners off baby,” She ignores the awkwardness between him and I. 

“Shit. sorry.” My empty voice replies, turning off each burner.

“Let me help. Aiden how’re you sweety?” She pretends to care. 

“Good. I am great. Let me help.” He insists. 

We help my mother put each large pot of vegetable into large plates. 

“Oh that’s nice of you Aiden thank you sweetheart.” She pats him on the back. 

“I got it mom. Just help him finish putting them on the plates and I’ll take them out on the cart. Yeah.” I nervously mutter.

I stay silent, Aiden can’t keep his eyes off me. Same with me and my eyes. I thought I was going to cry like a kid falling off a bicycle for the first time, or even have an anxiety attack the size of the sun. Instead I let him lock his arms around me and make out with him. I told you from the start, no matter how long you don’t see someone or even if they end up with someone else. When you really like or love that person,  seeing them or even just hearing them can make you the happiest person in the world. You'll give in to anything just for them. It’s the truth. 

I smile, pretending to be fine. It’s pretty obvious I’m not. Aiden swallows his spit and clears his throat really loud. 

“I’m so happy to see you Molly. You don’t know how much I’ve missed you. Come here girl.” and he hugs me, we cry in each other's arms for what feels like so long, he holds me and I hold him. 

“I missed you too AIden. You’re all I ever thought about. Everyday. Every single day. I love you.” I tell him. Not because he needs to hear that or the fact that he might want to hear that, but because it’s the truth.

“I’ll just leave you two alone.” Lindy speaks up and leaves the kitchen. 

We didn’t care if she was in the room with us, if he was engaged to be married soon. The only things that mattered were holding the man I had fallen in love with years ago in my arms. 

“I love you Molly. I always loved you. I always will too, you know that right?” He cries to me.

I look him in the eyes and we kiss once again. No cares. 

I push him off within a matter of seconds, realizing that this can’t happen. We’re not supposed to be together. He has a woman. 

“Don’t push me away.” He tells me. 

“I can’t do this. You have a woman right? Caroline right? I can’t do this.” I tell him. 

This part hurts so bad. 

“Who told you that Molly?” 

I try not to ruin my makeup, crying horribly. 

“My mom. It’s true right? You’re getting married?” 

“I can’t understand you that well, you’re crying too much.” he tries to grab me.

“Oh AIden. You’re getting married. I heard. It’s okay. Don’t pretend you can’t understand me.” I get snoddy. 

“Don’t push me away. Yeah, her name is Caroline. She’s a nice woman, she’s somewhere out there. I’m sorry, I didn’t think.”- I interrupted him.

“You didn’t think I would ever get out of prison? Neither did I but shit happens. Just like when I got arrested. I don’t hate you or her Aiden. I wanted you to be happy. Look, you go to her and hold her. I’m so sorry for kissing you.” I cry.

“I kissed you too. Don’t do this.” He tries grabbing me again.

“Stop fucking trying to grab me.” I yell.

“Molly, I don’t even love her. I love you, I’m only with her to make my mother happy, have some grandkids and shit. You know. I don’t love her the way I love you. You’re my girl.” He cries.

I let him grab me this time and he holds me to his chest.

“Aiden. You can’t say things like that. She doesn’t deserve that. You know that. I know you, don’t be cruel like that.”  I sob. 

“Please. You don’t understand how bad it hurt when you told me to move on. I tried to and I never could. Five years is not that long ago, it takes a long time to move on. If you never got out, I would still love you. Forever. I’m sorry.” He cries to me. 

I shove him slowly off of me once more. 

“I have to go. Please don’t follow me or go out there crying. Do not cause a fucking scene.” I demand. 

“How could you be so fucking mean? I love you, I missed you please Molly don’t go.” He cries. 

“My heart hurts. It didn’t just break it was completely ripped out of me Aiden. I’m sorry I have to go. Please understand.” I walk out of the kitchen, running upstairs and into the bathroom. 

I shut the door, lock it and shut the toilet. I sit on it and suddenly I feel like a teenager,crying over  a boy for the first time. 

A few minutes later and I get my ass up. I face myself in the mirror and clean off the ruined makeup that fell on my cheek and beside my nose. I take away my lipstick and apply lip balm only. I wash my hands and fix myself up. 
I left the bathroom and didn't even realize I held up a small line of people waiting to go. 

I walk downstairs and in the backyard everyone is seated, eating. 

Tonya grabs me. “Hey you okay? Your mom”- I interrupt Tonya.

“I am okay, I had to take a shit is all.” I lie and laugh, we walk to the backyard together where we find empty seats and sit, Daniel by her side of course. 

Me, I’m seated beside my mother and some random older guy who keeps giving me this nasty, sexual look. Yeah, the dress was a bad idea. 

“You okay sweetie?” My other leans in and whispers to me. 

“Never been fucking better. Let’s eat.” I lie. With a nasty, sarcastic reply. 

I don’t mean to be an asshole but now everything is going to start pissing me off and I do mean everything. Starting with AIden, who’s exactly five seats down from the left of where Tonya, who’s across from me sits. I look at him and he looks at me. He smiles, I smile back. 

Isn’t that the mature thing to do? I think so. I just spent almost an entire hour crying in the bathroom, I think I’ll save the rest of those tears for tonight. It’s appropriate. 

“So how is the birthday man?” My uncle, Jude asks. He’s one of those immature, golf playing types. 

“I am well, I have a gorgeous wife, my three beautiful kids in my life. I am well.” My mother holds my mothers hand. 

“Speaking of kids. Molly hows uh, settling going for you?” Jude asks. 

“You know it’s going pretty good I would say.” I lie, sarcastic.

“Lockdown? Going good?” He jokes, being a jerkoff. 

“Well, finding a job must be fucking hard right?” Some woman with red hair blurts out. Obviously she’s drunk. 

“Who is that?” I ask my mother. 

“I think she’s dating your uncle Kevin.” My mother answers. 

“Well, some of us don’t know what to say, pretty odd having a convict in the family, even though you’re innocent right?” Jude rudely shouts, letting out a hard, dry laugh.

“What the fuck does that mean?” I shout. 

“Nothing I just-” I interrupt Jude.

“No! You clearly meant something right?” I shout. Now I’m pissed off. 

“Molly!” my father yells as my mother chugs her glass of wine. 

“What the fuck did you mean by that? Go ahead, all of you judging me! You want to call me a killer? A murdering witch? what ? say what the fuck is on your mind? No, I am not going to shut up. So no one shout that out to me! I had it up to here with the whispering and the looks! The rude fucking looks I am getting by family, strangers and even some kids. Who the fuck told the kids? Seriously? What is wrong with you people? Don't you read the paper or are you all too busy playing boring ass golf and cheating on your husbands and wives? What is it? Pick one? Are you stupid or dumb? You can’t be both! The news clearly says what's happened! I was fucking framed and I kind of put myself in that situation because I made a fucking mistake! I touched the crime scene out of shock! I made a mistake! Like putting a dent in the car! Or spilling milk! And- and I lost everything! I lost it all. My whole life was taken away from me like nothing. So easily! I lost my house, I lost my family, I lost my car, my dog, my lover, I lost- I lost it all. For something I didn't even do. All of you just sit here and judge me. You don't know how bad this makes me feel. To be judged so easily. Enough! Enough of this shit! Just leave me the hell alone and shut the fuck up.” I let out, rude, loud and clear. God I feel so much better now.

Everyone is speechless. I stand up and stare one last time at Aiden. I look beside him, there she is. Caroline, this shiny beam of light. She’s exactly how my mother described her. Beautiful. 

	I tilt my head down, push my chair in and walk away from the dinner table. I head back inside and close the backdoor. I took a nice, long and needed deep breath and made my way upstairs. You know I had to take a bath, it’s my new thing. Makeup off, hair washed, tears falling down my cheeks. I think it’s the right time to cry. I fall under the water and let out a scream that's noiseless. After my hour-long bath, as usual I make my way to my bedroom. I pray. I feel like the only voice in the world who can always hear me scream, even under water and always really listen to each word I say. Is god. It’s my happy place, my bedroom of course where I sit and pray in peace.

“Why did this happen to me? Why me? Please just show me what to do. Or point me in the right direction. If it turns out to be the wrong way then help me find my way back.” I tell god. 

My night ends with tiny knocks on my door that are being ignored by me. Until one knock gets me out of bed. My sister, opens the door after knocking. 
“I know you’re not answering for anyone. I don’t mean to bother you but I feel like you could use a sleepover.” Maddie walks into my room, switches on the nightlight and lays in bed with me. 

“That’s what I needed. Someone who is as ruthless as me to jump into my arms and really let it all out. Thanks Maddie.” I tell her. 

She tucks herself in, then me and sleeps beside me. 

When we awake, I leave  her in my bed. I take a look at my innocent, fresh sister and make my way downstairs. I don’t use the restroom or wash my face. I just scurry downstairs to have some alone time. Turns out my alone time was meeting my mother in the kitchen. 

I wander over to her, sit beside her at the tall stool table. She pours me a cup of coffee and smiles at me. 

“Good Morning darling. I didn’t think you were up.” Lindy smiles. 

“Yeah, neither did I. Are you okay?” I ask her. 

She puts her coffee down. “Are you? That was a long day you had, I never want you to feel that way again. Do you understand? What happened between you and AIden was hurtful for me to watch. Not because he was sneaking around and kissing you. Just the fact that it’s been so long and you two were able to see each other after so long. It’s really sad dear.” She places my hair behind my ear. 

“Yeah. About that. I cried all night, slept like a kid but woke up every fifteen minutes, pondering and just going over it again and again. I did a bad thing right? Kissing him? Maybe it was wrong because it could make him want to be with me or some shit. Do you think?” I tell my mother. 

“No. I don’t know. It could make him crawl to you or it could make him go back home and hate himself and possibly tell his fiance. Maybe never step in your path again. You two were in love and from the looks of it still very much are. Five years of not seeing each other and then you both end up kissing in the kitchen.” My mother places her mug in the sink. 

“Yeah. shit happens. I mean we haven’t seen each other in so long. Course the first thing we’d do is kiss. I think even if we didn’t feel anything we’d kiss. You know. I guess it’s human, normal is what I mean. It’s normal.” I reply. Trying to hide the fact we’re in love that’s the truth. 

“If you ask me Molly. He never stopped loving you. All he ever did was ask a thousand questions every time he came over. You have no idea how much he loves you dear.” She walks away, out of the kitchen. 

“Wait!” I shout to her. 

She stops, standing at the kitchen doorway.

“Yes?” She questions. 

“Where does he live? Or work?” I ask. Fuck it, if you’re go, then go all the way.

“Okay. Are you sure?” 

I stand up, ready to hear where, so that I could run my ass upstairs and dress.

“He moved out of the apartment when you were arrested. Maybe a month after. He moved with his mother, she was ill. She died maybe three or two years ago and he stayed there. He moved Caroline in with him and now it’s their home. Same street, just three blocks away from us.” Lindy tells me. 

“I remember.” I quietly mutter, staring outside the window. 

“Don’t do the wrong thing. Just make sure whatever you have planned in your head is exactly where you want to be.” Lindy leaves the kitchen. 

So what do I do? Am I going to follow my mothers rules? Or am I going to say “screw it” and drive over to my former lovers house in the hopes he’ll welcome me in with open arms? No, I don’t do anything. I sit my ass down at the kitchen table and wait for some big life changer to happen. The only good thing now would be throwing my ass in jail again right? Who knows. 

“What are you going to do Molly?” I ask myself. 

As the morning goes on it’s finally time to start dancing today. I’ve paid for a year's worth or more. Gosh I think I paid far more than I was supposed to. I grab my clothes from my gym bag I packed a week ago, out of excitement for dancing again. I throw on some high top, classic chucks for the drive over to the studio. I wrap my hair in a nice, high. Tight bun. Just as I’m about to leave my room I look at myself through my mirror and smile at myself. 

“Hey. look at you. Starting to look a lot like your old self again Molly. You look swell.” I tell myself. 

I walk out of the room, down the stairs and grab my jean jacket hanging from the coat rack. It’s my old patched up band, game, movie patch jacket. Straight out of high school. Man I was a little punk rocker back in those days. 

“Wow. who pulled this out of their ass!” I laugh. 

My father walks out from the dining room, a cup of black coffee in his hand. 

“I found that in the basement the other day. Thought you might want it back.” He smiles.

“More than anything. Look at that! Big misfits patch in the back. Thank you dad.” I tell him.

I take my gym bag off, throw on my old jacket and turn to him, lifting my bag off the floor.

“You look good kid. Wait.” He stops me. 

I turn around. 

“Honey! Get your ass in the hall!” He shouts to my mother. 

She walks out from the kitchen, her usual room. 

“Oh my goodness! Molly are you dancing again!” She shouts in joy. 

“Yeah! Calm down. I rented out studio time for the rest of, well pretty much every fucking weekend. I’m going to start training again. Why not.” I admit.

“Oh! Good for you honey!” LIndy shouts, clapping her hands together. 

“That's really good Molly.” My father tells me. 

“Yeah, thanks.” 

My mother walks over to me, I laugh at her motherly gesture. 

“What are you going to do exactly today?” She asks. 

“Well, I have to start with balance and weight, I also have to get on pointe as soon as possible. In ballet that is the most important. As well as height, jumping I mean. Pointe may take a week. I’ll get there again. Breaking in my feet, getting them down and dirty is going to be the most painful thing since I don’t know when.” I blurt. Wow, I’m so excited. 

“Good.” She pats me on the shoulder and walks away. 

“Thanks.” I whisper, I don’t think she can hear. 

“I’m proud of you. Doing everything you once did. Good that you’re so brave.” 

I leave the house, my mothers kind words help me. They always seem to do that. I make my way to my car, getting in, staying warm and warming him up. My baby, my Nova. I kiss the wheel and drive off. I do admit I go down Aiden’s house street and slow it down when passing by. I speed it up. Maybe he heard the screeching from the tired and peeked. Maybe she did. Maybe he wasn't even home. Damn. I wonder if he told her he kissed me because he couldn’t help it. Or if he didn’t I wonder if he’s thinking about me as much as I am thinking about him. Don’t know. 

I manage to make it to the studio without crying on the way. Check that off my big old baby list. 

“Here we go. Today is the start of a brand new day Molly.” I pump myself up. 

I enter the studios, make my way upstairs. I’m alone besides the secretary who wasn’t there when I walked in. Thinking she was having her morning poop in the bathroom, I heard the toilet flushing. Then again, who the fuck cares. 

“Here we go. Nice big room for myself, shiny floors and a great view of downtown Phili. Man I missed home. What a nice view, bright and warm.” 

I take off my chucks and place on my pointe slippers, the lovely, light pink, satin like slipper softly but roughly, tight around my feet. I wrap the ribbon as tight and high as I could get them. 
I already broke in these slippers at home so there's no need for this today. 

“Here we go.” I tell myself. 

I start by lightly stretching. You know holding my legs behind my back, back bending, touching feet, sitting down and touching toes, one leg in, one leg out, open legs, splits that I can’t do anymore, kicks, waist turning, neck stretches and ankle twirling. All those painful, yet satisfying stretches. 

“Holy fuck I am so not used to light workouts anymore.” I tell myself. 

Then here it comes. I try to stand on pointe. Which is probably the most painful thing in the world at this point in my life. On a scale of one to one hundred, this is definitely one hundred. Maybe two hundred and eleven. 

“Fuck!” I shout. 

I stand back down and look at myself in the mirror. 

I then stop with the pointe. I start with simple bar work, holding on to the bar and one leg up, straight back, straight leg, up and down, up and down. The simple ballerina bar dances. I then practice some twirling, some light jumps. 

I do admit, for a minute or two I get caught up again on trying pointe. I give up, hurts way too much. 

“Fuck that really hurts.”

After about an hour I am doing simple twirls and dances. I am not as bad as I thought I was going to be. Pointe, not so good. I was the best. I was. Man, I was. 

I think I might’ve mentioned that already though and I don’t want to bring up old stuff again. 

To call it a day I finish with one more simple twirl on pointe. I don’t hold back, though I should considering this is the first time in five years practicing ballet, dancing. I really should be calm and not rush into it. I just couldn’t help it. 

I stand on the bar, hold on and so quickly I twirl on pointe, forcing myself through the pain, especially with this wooden floor. Not fun. I manage to twirl three times, beautifully and poised, one arm on my hip, letting go with each turn and letting it go straight. The other arm in the air, above my head. Raised and straight. When I make it to that last, third turn I fall. 

“Ow.” I yell out. Shit hurt real bad and my toe might be swollen already. 

I hold on to the bar, and look up at the mirror. My reflection looks more drained than how my feet feel. My hair is a bit messy, not too bad, my shirt falling, so I lift it up. Man, my face is as red as a tomato and I am out of breath. I am tired, out of breath and totally regretting that third twirl. 

“Oh man.” I huff at my own reflection. 

I take out my gym bag, my first aid kit. Always have that on your if you’re a dancer. Hip hop, jazz, ballroom, ballet. Dancers, have one on you.  

“Shit.” I gasp looking down at my blistered, cracked, bloody toes. Not one toe but all of them. I mean it, all of them are either cracked up nails. Peeled blisters, damaged skin and bloody wounds. Welcome to the magical art of ballet people. When you’re dancing for a good two hours almost, this is what happens. 

“Oh my. Dang.”

I clean my wounds with the alcohol wipe, I bandage up and gauze any open wounds. I cut down my toenails, even though I’ve already done that.  I throw away the messed up, bloody, light pink,  stockings I had on. Slide on some very fluffy socks. I untie my chucks to the second lace holes and slide, painfully I might add, my shoes on. 

“This shit hurts.” I tell myself, trying to be a tough egg through the pain. 

“I stand up, toss away in the room, pail my bandages and wipes. I grab my bag, shut the curtain windows and look at myself one last time in the mirror. 

“You did good, kid.” I tell myself. 

I leave. The secretary smiles at me. 

“Hey. see you soon.” I tell her, leaving before I can hear her reply.  If she even had one.

Walking over to my car I throw in my gym bag in the passenger seat, taking a deep breath and tilting my head far back when I finally sit in my car. 

“You had a long day Molly. Now all you need is a long ass bath.” I laugh. 

I make it home and this time I don’t take the route that passes by Aiden’s house. I don’t see any cars in front of the house, that means no one is home. I walk in the house, quickly take off my shoes and tie them around my gym bag. 

“Oh that feels so good.” I refresh myself, letting my painfully, blistered feet begin their healing.

I undress as soon as I start walking upstairs. Leaving my clothes in the hallway laundry bin. 

“Time for that bath.” 

I set my bath as usual, lots of bubbles and warm water. I don’t do showers anymore. Come on, would you? If you were stuck taking showers for five years straight wouldn’t a bath be the icing on your cake for the rest of your life?

I place my feet in the tub, the hot water burning my broken skin on my feet. I shut my eyes as tight as I could get them and get used to the pain, that burning sensation quickly. 

Feels so nice, once I’m used to it. 

“What are you going to do Molly?” I ask myself. 

I haven’t even made it to my bedroom. Just the bathroom.

My phone starts ringing from my gym bag on the floor. I reach over, hanging halfway out of the rub and unzip my bag, pulling out my phone. 

“Hello?” I answered it. 

“It’s Luis baby. How’re you doing? I haven’t stopped by, like I said I would. I have two new cases so I am pretty busy. I did however, tell you I’d always be in your life. So here I am. Even if it means over the phone.” Luis speaks. 

“Hey! Howdy there. I am glad to hear a known voice. How the hell did you even get this number Luis?” I ask.
“I got it from your mother. She had your sister hand this to you correct? Told her a phone would be good use to you.” Luis tells me.

“Yeah, it’s pretty handy. You’re the only person calling me for the most part but yes.”

There is a pause for a second. 

“How are you?” He asks. 

“I am okay. Just been dealing with people and things coming back into my life. Above all else, I am swell. You?” I ask him, now I’m the lawyer from what it sounds like. 

“I told you. You have to get used to that Molly. Are you going to be okay? I can’ stop by, I’ll be busy for quite a while.” He tells me, worried from what it sounds like. 

“I’ll be just fine. I’m alone at the house right now and in the tub. No wrist slits here! That means I am well! See!” I joke, horribly. It’s one of my god given talents. 

“No talking like that. Bad jokes girl. Well, I just wanted you to know that she’s doing time for life Molly. For life. You’ll never have to hear from her again and we made sure she doesn’t know anything about you or your family to write or call. You’ll never have to worry about that ever again Molly.” Luis tells me, getting all serious out of nowhere.

“Thank you. So very much.” I replied. 

“You’re very welcome.” Luis hangs up.

I place my phone down on the toilet seat. I lay down in the water and go under for just a quick second. Letting out that loud, quiet scream once again. Just enough to release some stress. 

After my hour-long bath, I walk into my room, dress and clean up a tiny mess I’ve made. I sit on my bed and neosporin my feet until they’re so shiny they look like diamonds. I bandage them up again and lay back in bed. I can hear my family entering the house. I get up, walk over to my door and unlock it. I don’t want to be rude. I lay back down in bed. I can hear my mother walking upstairs. She enters my room of course first. 

“Hey Mol- oh my goodness. Your feet!” She screams. 

“Mom, it’s okay they’re just a little damaged is all. You know from dancing.” I calm her down. 

“You went on your toes didn’t you? Molly you have to get back into that slow. You know this!” She worries.

I hide my feet by putting on some fuzzy socks again.
“They’re okay. You know I can handle this. Come on, I’m fine.” I tell Lindy.

“Okay. if you need anything let me know. Gosh the pain you go through just to put on a nice dance for some strangers. It’s insane but if you love it then you love it and you show it and those feet are showing it.” My mother is such a poet.

She leaves the room. 

“Oh hey!” I shout at her.

“Yes?” She questions. 

“You wouldn’t happen to have Tonya’s number would you? For my phone?” I ask. 

My mother grabs my phone and dials a number and quickly hangs it up. 

“That’s her number”

I look at the phone and place Tonya as a contact. 

“How’d you remember her number?” I ask. Stunned a bit. 

“Honey, we speak a lot. Trust me, I’m closer to your friends more than you’ll ever know. After all, we only had each other.” SHe smiles, leaving the room. 

I shoot a “hey. It's Molly.” Text to Tonya, waiting on her to either call or text. 

How quickly she calls me, and I answer. 

“Hey girl.” 

I love her voice. 

“Hey! Wow you’re fucking quick aren’t ya?” I laugh. 

“You want to go to an art show? I was just about to call you! This is so spooky! I can pick you up in an hour and we can go then? You have to wear something sexy, like a dress, or a cocktail. I am! I also have a babysitter.” Tonya tells me. 

“Sounds pretty fun, Not really into wearing heels tonight but sure.” I admit, hanging up. 

The next thing I know is I’m digging through my closet trying to find some sexy, cocktail dress. Nothing. So I walk to my sister's bedroom door, knock as loud as I can. She answers, politely and I’m surprised. 
“Hey.” 

I wait there for her to give me a “Hello” back. Nothing. 

“Yeah?” She asks. 

“Do you have something sexy? Like a cocktail dress or something? Black, tight, short?” I ask. 

“That’s literally all I wear. Come on in.” She pulls me in and locks the door. 

“Thanks. I didn’t think you let anyone in your room. Hey by the way I haven’t seen Ryan lately. Honestly, for almost a week now.” I tell her. 

I sit at her vanity table and wait for her to assist me. 

“ He’s been at his program, that center he stays at mainly. He enjoys it a lot. Not really. Here, try these two. Pick one.” She hands me from her closet one long sleeve black dress and one strapless dress. I chose the long sleeve. 

“I think you would look sexy in red.” She tells me.

She pulls out a long sleeve, tight, cut down, v neck, red, fake silk dress. 

“ Okay, glad he’s having a ball. Wow, red. You think?” I ask.

“I know. Can I do your makeup too? And part your hair down the middle? You have nice, straight hair. It would look great. Some light red lipstick. A shade like you’re hardly wearing any.” She starts cleaning my face with a wipe before I even give her an answer.

“Let me put this dress on first.” I tell her, and start dressing in front of her. 

Believe me, you get used to changing in front of strangers. Though, she’s not a total stranger but we are still just getting to know each other. 

“You don’t know how grateful I am for you right now. Thank you sis.” I admit. 

“I have something I need to ask you. I just need you to make me a promise that you won’t tell our parents. Please.” She asks, in a wayI feel like even if I did tell our parents, she still wants to tell me. 

“Sure.” I tell her, I do mean it when someone asks me to promise. 

She sits on the bed, I take some cotton balls from her vanity table and stick them between my toes. You know, for the sores. 

“That’s gross. Wait, what the fuck happened to your feet Molly? Ew.” She says in disgust.
“Well, I started training again, earlier today actually. Ballet can be pretty funky on your feet sis.” I tell her. 

“That’s nasty. But okay.” She replies, disgusted.

“Sorry, they’re going to be aching in heels tonight. It’ll be worth it though.” I tell her.

“Okay. anyways, look. I’ll just cut right down to the chase because it’s complicated. This guy, named Jared has been taking me out on dates for the last couple of weeks. I really like him, I think he likes me. He has only kissed me about four times. Yeah, it’s like make out sessions the first two or three times. Now I noticed that he doesn’t want to kiss me anymore. The other night when he dropped me off here, out front, he gave me a baby peck on the lips and left. Is that because he wants more or he doesn’t like me at all? Do you know?” She admits, swallowing her spit quickly after and letting out a sigh. 

“Wow. I thought I had a mouthful. Look, I am going to share my thoughts. Doesn’t mean they’re correct. Here goes, I think he wants pussy. You’re fresh in High School and so is he, if he wanted something serious he’d make it official with you already instead of playing dating and making out for the last four times. I’ve had only one other boyfriend before Aiden, so I have experience. I slept with many guys, not too many but enough to know enough. I think he wants some of you and you’re not giving him that so he’s making it clear in a nice way that he doesn’t want to see you anymore.” I blurt out, now I’m the one swallowing my spit and taking a nice, long deep sigh. 

“Wow. Thank you for the honesty. I can’t tell you how many of my friends are telling me he likes me and he is just nervous. Thank you Molly.” She hugs me, my sister stumbles on me and she hugs me. A nice, soft, meaningful hug too. 

“Thank you.” I tell her. 

“Now, let’s start your hair and makeup. You only have an hour right?” She asks. I get comfortable for her, cause I know how annoying sitting patiently can be. 

“Thanks for the advice. I am never going to see that boy ever again.” She lets me know. 

“Good. I’ll kick his ass if he tries anything.” I laugh. 

We laugh and like typical girls, we laugh, gossip and enjoy our hour together. Tiffany eventually walks into my sisters room. Wearing a hot pink, mid length, tight dress, we glittered, chrome pumps. 

“Wow look at you Barbie.” I laugh.

“You look great. Man they have a light DJ there and I am going to definitely request “The lady in red” you can bet your feet on that.” Tonya chuckles.

“Like it?” Maddie asks Tonya, about my entire look.

“You should’ve done my makeup!” Tonya tells her, she means it too.

So we get our purses together, we head out in her car and laugh the entire way. Yes, about what we did to her ex- man and what he called her saying afterwards. She said he called repeatedly about how “He can’t prove it but knows it was her.” 

We finally make it to the show, we’re parked up in the lot. Tonya pulls out two small Vodka shots and hands one to me, the other she sips on. I tilt my head back “Fudge it” I giggle and take the entire shot. A few seconds after, gagging halfway to vomiting. 

“Somebody needs to get me a portable Vomitorium!” I shout. 

When I’m with Tonya I can’t stop laughing, it’s this ball of energy that pops out of me from nowhere. I love being around Tonya. She brings back so many memories. She makes me laugh, most importantly. She’s always stood beside me and I’ve always stood beside her. We make a good duo. 

“Dang girl. Slow down. This is an art show not some concert in Brooklyn!” She laughs.

“Oh, man do you remember when we used to go on weekend trips to see shows?” I ask, letting out a massive burp.

“Yes! Why do you think I mentioned it girl! Those were the best days of my life, I swear.” Tonya admits.

“I wish I could go back.” I get serious.

“Me too.” She looks at me, shrugging her shoulders.

“Let’s shut the fuck up and get our bootys inside.” I insist.

We get out of her car, pull down our dresses. 

“Ow fuck. I didn’t think my feet were going to hurt this bad. It’s fine with the heels on, don’t get blisters in the back so that’s the good thing.” I tell her, kicking my heels back so my toes won’t point and touch the front of my heel.

“You okay?” Tonya asks.

“Yes. Let’s go see some fucking art shall we?” 

We walk into the show, it’s mainly photographs. In fact, it’s all photographs. In fact, It’s all Aiden’s work. Work I remember from our time together, some new that I’ve never seen before and one giant one that everyone is cluttered by in the far back. I can’t see what it is, it’s too covered by art lover heads. 

I try to turn around and walk out but Tonya stops me, holding my arms to face her. 

“What the fuck! You didn’t say it was Aiden’s art show!” I whisper to her, angry.

“Look. you had to do this sooner or later. I know you kissed him, your mom told me. I’m your best friend. I know how you feel, I want to make sure that you understand where I am coming from and that I only want to help.” She eagerly tells me. 

“Why did my mom tell you that?” I ask. 

“Because she knows that I know how to handle this. She knows how you really feel about Aiden. How you’re always going to feel about him. So do I. We’re only trying to get you out of that box of fear and into the real world. In this world, the one you missed out on for the last five years, he exists. So do you. Now you have to leave that box, face your fears. Aiden needs you in his life. Whether you both decide as friends, or more. Either way. You can’t stay indoors because you’re afraid to see him. You have to be able to live. You can’t do that hiding from him.” TOnya lets go of me, trusting me 

“Okay. Just give me some space.” I ask her.

“You’re going to leave aren’t you?” She asks, she doesn’t want me to run out and play chicken. 

“No. I’m tougher than I look. Trust me?” I tell her. 

“Yes.” She pats me on the shoulder, trusting me she leaves me to be alone. 

“This is going to fucking suck!” I yell to Tonya, who sends me a wink and a quiet laugh I can’t hear from the distance between us. A few people look at me and my unkind use of words. 

“I meant the emotions. Not the art, don’t fucking look at me like that.” I talk shit under my breath to the rude lookers. 

I walk around, grab a glass of red wine and take a self, lonely stroll. 

“Wow I remember these.” I stop, staring at photos of parks, people, dogs, babies and the city.

I walk over to a photograph of Aiden, it’s large, the only colored one and killing me. I don’t think the words “killing me” describe his art. In my book, they do. I read his bio, kind of rush through it because, well I know all there is to know about my Aiden. That’s right, I said “my”. He’ll always be mine. Like I said, No matter who or what. 

I guess you’re not supposed to touch the art but I do, I rub my fingers gently on Aiden’s canvas art. 

“Hi baby.” I whisper. 

I walk away to the right side of the room, I see her. Caroline. The real one, and guess what’s behind my back? A photograph of her, sitting on a bench, laughing at pigeons surrounding her. 

“Oh wow. This is a little insane.” I stare at the real Caroline up and down. She’s quite the figure, wearing a nice womens, white pants suit. Looking stunning, as always I bet. 

I forget about her, what am I supposed to do? Go and cry in the bathroom? No. Be tough and walk away. That’s the best thing to do. I can’t hate her. She did nothing to me, she never even knew about me I bet until Aiden decided to tell her “our story”. 

“Hey. you okay? I don’t mean to check up on you!” Tonya spooks me from out of nowhere.

“I am glad to see you, no it’s okay. Spy on me, at least you’re checking up on me Ton. Hey, I saw her. Caroline I mean.” I whisper. 

“She’s right behind you too.” Tonya drinks. 

“Can I get another one please and thank you. That shot didn’t do shit and I’m going to need five more glasses of wine to make up another shot.” I tell her. 

“Look. she looks beautiful. you do too. I’m not trying to tell you to go and steal Aiden away but if it happens. What are you going to do right? I’ll leave you alone now. Find you again in an hour.” 

Tonya watches me chug down my wine and from a nearby waiter she places my empty glass on his carrying platter and grabs me a fresh glass. She quickly walked away from me, a little drunk I can clearly tell. 

I laugh at my drunk friend and watch her dance away. I think this is the most fun she’s had all year, if you ask me. Sure seems like the best night I’ve had since getting out of prison. 

I just mind my nose, ignore the men staring at my ass, after all I’m the one who put this dress on. I even get my ass smacked by some unknown stranger, could’ve been a woman for all I know. Who cares, Tonya was right I am looking sexy. 

Damn. After twenty six minutes, yeah, I calculated, I kept pulling my phone out to see how quickly an hour takes to pass by. Yeah, I didn’t want to see Aiden, okay. I want this hour to fly to get the fuck out of here. 

Suddenly in the far background, the DJ starts playing “The Lady In Red '' by Chris De Burgh. Damn it Tonya. That bitch really has some jokes. I admit, it’s hilarious and I start laughing to myself. 

However, now I feel stuck. 

“Shit.” I whisper to myself looking at the large canvas photograph that was blocked from my view earlier. 

I swallow down the last of my wine and just kneel down, placing it on the shiny, waxed, tiled floor. 

There it is, the one thing that could break him and Caroline up just as fast as her catching him with me, if ever. A photograph taken approximately six years ago, in our apartment bed. 

Laying, looking at Aiden, smiling. My hair, a single hair directly between my eyes, my smile almost fully opened. The morning sun, on my face, a nice hint, not too bright to ruin the photo. I remember that morning, that was a good day. It was the day we both had off, a day we decided to get breakfast at a diner, instead of a home meal. Something we hated doing, considering the fact we’d always cook at home. That was the day 

“We went to the movies and kept sneaking into different rooms once our movie finished. Right before any usher found us. We must've seen nearly four movies that day. Remember?” Aiden, from behind me lets out. 

Interrupting me and finishing up my thoughts on what we were doing that specific day. 

I turn around slowly, my head on my shoulder, my back slightly turned to him. 
There he is, looking incredibly handsome in a nice black suit. Not too fancy, just enough to look sophisticated, upscale and be comfortable in. He wears red converse. So him, so handsome. 

“Why did you do this?” I sadly ask him.

“Because it’s my favorite.” He tells me. 

“Why is it so big?”

He smiles, moves closer to me. “Because it’s my favorite.” He repeats himself. 

“What does Caroline think of this?” I ask him. 

“She doesn’t care. She knows it's for art.” He fills me in, moving closer to me. 

“For the art? Yeah. sure.” I roll my eyes. 

He picks up the empty wine glass I left on the floor, I cover myself a little embarrassed by my lazy actions. 

“This goes with him.” Aiden drops it on a waiter’s platter tray. 

“Thanks.” he tells the waiter. 

“Sorry, got a little annoyed with your wall art here Aiden. Hope you understand.” I laugh. 

Aiden moves in a lot closer. I turn to the painting trying to avoid any touching or any intimacy of any kind between us. He moves in behind me, holding me just enough to not quite feel him completely. 

“That was my favorite day Molly. You used to make me so happy when I woke up. I loved when you’d get up and bring me coffee. Then days when you worked and changed into your ballerina clothes in front of me. You don’t know how much I love you. I love you. You hear me. God you look so beautiful tonight. You don’t know how hard it’s been without you and now that you’re back all I want is you.” He whispers in my ear. 

“Tell me again.” I whisper, not making eye contact with him. 

“I love you and all I want is you.” He whispers again. 

“I love you more than you’ll ever know Aiden. Yeah, I want you too. Thing is, you’re not mine anymore.” I turn around, facing him. 

“Look at you.” 

I look at him, brushing my fingers across his pale, pink lips. 

“I can’t see me. I’m too busy looking at you.” I tell him.

“Let’s leave together. Right now Mol.” He tugs at my right wrist gently. 

I look directly behind him and there she is again. Caroline, staring at us. 

“Your bird is looking at us Aiden. Go home with her. Goodbye.” I can hardly make out that “goodbye”, my voice croaking away from the tears that slowly start to come out of my tired, little eyes. 

“Molly. Hey molly wait a minute! Don’t go!” Aiden shouts to me. 

I turn around and look at the photograph of me one last time. I smile at Aiden and give him a wave bye. Not one of those waving, moving ones but a simple hand up and hand down kind. 
“See ya Aiden. That’s gorgeous. Thanks. Bye-” I can’t finish my sentence and I storm out. Tonya is nowhere to be found so I just walk out, I look one last time at Aiden. He’s standing in the spot that I left him, looking at me sadly. Like a kid who just lost his greatest play friend. 

I don’t look back, I just keep walking. 

I storm out the front of the gallery and walk towards the corner alleyway. I pound my hands against the wall and cry out “Why!” The most common scream of them all ladies and gentlemen. 

I kneel down and screw the dress, I sit on the sidewalks. At least it’s not mud right? Maddie won’t get too upset at that. 

I don’t know why but “The Lady In Red” just keeps playing in my head now. So annoying. I am going to kill Tonya. Instead, I pull out my cell phone and send her a

 “Hey, I couldn’t take it. I know you saw the huge photograph. I got a cab. Get one too. Love you.”

So quickly she responds with no texts but a simple picture of the photograph. 
Now I really want to claw her eyes out. 

An hour later, and I’m home, in Pjs, cleaned up, watching “The legend of Tarzan” (The 1984 film) right at the end, with the sad ass soundtrack blasting, making me cry. 

 I am getting an insane amount of missed calls from an unknown number. I don’t answer but I do glance at a text message, also from that unknown number. 

“It’s me, Aiden. Please answer. I can’t do this, I have to see you right now.” 

I plug in the phone to charge and decide to save his number under “A” and text back. 

“You’re my Tarzan. I can never be with you.” 

I leave the phone alone and finish the ending to Tarzan. 

“This is the saddest ending ever. Why did I do this to myself?” I ask, myself. 

Staring at the television, I lay my head down and smile. It may not be the happiest ending but everything worked out best for all the characters, they were all satisfied with their lives, even though Jane couldn’t go with him. 

I turn off the television. Forget this horror film. Wait now love stories have turned into pure horror for me. How great. My phone starts ringing, I answer it, it’s Tonya. 

“Hey. So I know you left. Can I ask why?” She asks. 

“Aiden was all in love with me. I shouldn’t have kissed him. I knew it! I fucking knew it!” I yell.

“Oh damn. I didn’t think he was going to tell you that. I didn’t think he’d be so bold in front of Caroline. He must really feel something for you then.” She annoyingly tells me.

“yeah , well he fucking did. I don’t know what to do. It was a bad idea kissing his ass in my mothers kitchen. I had no intention whatsoever to be with him or even see him. Now here he is.” 

“Look girl, you have to calm down. I am here for you. Whatever you need to talk about. We can do this, we can talk about. Just tell me and we’ll figure it out.  We will. I promise you. Like I said we’re together.”

“Thank Tonya. Look, I’ll call you back. I’m just gonna make a cup of tea and pour the whole damn pot on my head. Talk to you later. Night, love you.” I hangup. 

“What the fuck am I going to do?” I ask myself, or god. Someone is listening. I know it. 

I fall asleep, the next week is typical. I take grocery store trips with my mother, ignore the rude comments by the people in the store who clearly believe I killed a man. I train in ballet, lose a pinky toenail on Wednesday afternoon. Man, I can’t tell you how grueling it is to start training again in Ballet after almost six fucking years. It’s heartbreaking really. 

To make it short, the week went by really fucking slow and it really fucking sucked. I hated it. I hated the fact that people talked about me every place I went. Mostly because that was the first time I really showed my face in town, since I’ve been released. 

I hated the fact that my pinky toe fell off. It hurt so terribly, bleeding so bad and took hours to dry out. The bleeding was ludicrous. I sat there crying. I remember that happening when I was a little girl and now it’s happening when I’m this big time ex- famous ballerina. It’s killing me. It’s really killing me. 

I woke up that next Thursday and I couldn’t even bend my toes. You know, that cracking feeling that hurts but feels so good at the same time. I guess it’s something only Ballerina’s and Karate kids would really understand. 

“Time to dance. Nevermind. Guess I have to take a break. Don’t want to lose or upset more pinky toes.” I grunt. I am a bit pissed off about this. Yes, I moved too fast and yes, I danced far too advanced for starting fresh again. 

That’s where I went wrong. 

I get up, wash my face and as I’m looking at myself in the mirror I suddenly have this thought. Is all this happening for a reason? I’m supposed to be here. I’m supposed to have been imprisoned. I was meant to kiss Aiden. Everything happens for a reason. This is my reason to live again. My lawyer keeps telling me to live, my sister is my best friend, my actual best friend, Tonya is alive, solely, again because of me. I am making my parents have a reason to “parent” again and my brother remembers me, knows and adores me probably more than anyone else. 
I think I am alive. Finally it’s hit me. 

Today I have decided to take a nice, happy and relaxing day. Doing what? I have no idea yet. 

I shower, have a nice banana smoothie, some coffee and make my way to change. A simple, casual outfit that suits my need for comfort. I don’t hear anyone in the house so I just storm out. I make my way to my car, my Nova and start it up. The clash begins playing on my old school stereo. Ugh, I fucking love them. 

“Here we go. New me. Stop the crying Molly and keep that grin. You got this baby. You got it.” I chant to myself, getting my act up. Getting my attitude awake.

Next thing I know is I’m passing purposely by Aiden’s house. Yeah, I know where he lives and I know where he may be right now. One, at work. Two, in bed screwing his woman. I have aches when I think about it, that and her. However, she’s a sweetheart and she never did anything to me. I press hard on my gas pedal and speed by. If he is there, that’ll wake him. Maybe he’ll even know it was me. 

Now I’m sitting at a public park, eating some cheap taco bell burrito. I toss the trash out into the trash can beside me, continuing my people watching. 

“It’s a nice day.”

Then my phone rings. It’s an unknown call. I will answer it. 

“Howdy.” I sarcastically announce. 

“Hey, It’s me Molly.” 

I am shocked, speechless and a bit flushed. It’s Aiden. See, this is why I don’t overthink or talk about people. Then they suddenly appear or someone in some unintentional way brings them up. It’s crazy but it happens. 

“AIden. What are you doing calling me?” I ask. 

“I know. You stormed out and that whole thing at the show happened. I’m sorry to bother you. Do you want me to leave you alone?” He asks. 

If I tell him to leave me alone. He won’t. If he does, or I think he is. He’s secretly watching me from a distance or having someone else do it. That someone else would in fact be Tonya. Knowing they are super friendly. 

“No. if you want the truth. No. I don’t want you to leave me alone. I’m not going to say that. I am telling you the truth. I want you around,  I want to see you. I think it’s a bad idea, yes. Do I really give a fuck? No. I missed you and Aiden. You’re all I ever thought about when I was gone. Now that I am out and you’re here and you want to see me. How can I just say no.” I tell him. 

Silence. Did I really just fucking admit that? Admit my feelings for him. 

“Molly. You’re always on my mind and I am always thinking about you. I’m sorry I didn’t write like I should have been. Or that I didn’t visit or call. You don’t understand, it was hard for you but it was harder for me. Waking up, sleeping and not hearing you around. I lost the one thing that kept me going everyday. I lost you.” 

He’s starting to cry, so am I.

“I don’t know what to tell you Aiden. You’re with someone and I can’t do it. I can’t break someone else’s heart to make mine whole again. I can’t do it. I can’t fucking do it. I’m sorry. Bye.” I hang up.

Hey, at least I got the chance to spill it all out on the table and tell him how I really feel. How I always felt about him and how I will always and forever, no matter who or what. Will feel about him. 

I get a text. This time I know it’s him. 

“What the fuck Molly. Don’t hang up on me. I need to see you.”

I ignore the texts. All 15 of them he sends. Literally. 

It’s about 7 pm and where am I now? The studio. The only one in the building. Wearing normal clothes I am staring outside the large, dark, nicely lighted window. HIding my face behind the long curtain. 

With my converse on I start to slowly dance, ballet style of course. Even painfully standing on point and doing two beautifully, perfected twirls. 

“Yes!” I shout and jump up.

“Ow. ow.” I mumble, hurting my pinky toe. 

“Fuck.” I laugh. 

Finally I land two perfect twirls and not on pointe slippers but hey, fuck it. I still managed to do it. 

I walk over to the window after staring myself down in the mirror for a few. 

“You’re a good girl. However you did promise yourself you wouldn’t be on your toes today. Do you remember that?” I ask myself, laughing. 

I grab the studio keys off the hardwood, glossy, waxed floor and walk over to the window. There he is. Aiden. Leaning on my Nova, staring up at me. He waves “hello” I grin and flutter my fingers at him. 

“Of course he’d come here.” 

I pull my cell phone out my jacket pocket and looking through my contacts, I find my mothers number and call her. Through this I am still staring out the window looking down at Aiden. 

He looks so handsome, in a nice band T and jeans, looks like when we used to date. 

“Honey. You haven’t been home all day. I am glad you-” I interrupt my mother.

“Did you fucking tell Aiden where I dance?” I furiously ask. 

“Yes.” She admits. 

I hang up. I’m not going to hate her or destroy her week for that but damn. I didn’t want to see him ever again. This wasn’t my plan. To tell him how I feel is one thing but to start surrounding myself with him again. That’s a whole mansion being built. You get the picture? Painful and too much. 

I leave the studio, locking the door behind me and making my way down the staircases. Each step makes my heart pound faster and faster. I start to sweat and shake. I stop and take a deep breath. Like it or not I am going to have to face my fear and make my way to my car, where Aiden is standing. 

I leave the front desk area, Ignoring Aiden’s presence behind my back. HIs hands in his jean pockets, I see him from the window view. I lock the front studio door and place my keys back in my jacket pocket. Facing him. I only have my voice. 

“Hi AIden.” I grin. 

“Hello, beautiful girl who hangs up on my face.” 

“Yeah, you have to get used to that. I’m pretty rude now. You know I smoke too. The whole prison thing made me a total asshole and complete badass if I have to admit. Rude too.” I smile. 

It may sound like a joke but in no way is it. Truthful words right there. 

“What am I going to say Mol? I’m in love with you.” He tells me, his eyes glistening with tears. 

“Don’t cry. I’m fucking in love with you too.” I cry. Yeah, the tough ass telling him not to cry is slowly starting to sob now. 

“Come here girl.” He gestures with his arms out to me. 

I make my way over to him and let his arms wrap around me, touch me and grip me.

We hug for just a second, his warmth on my cheek feels so nice. I turn my face upwards and we immediately start making out. Not the sloppy first time couple kissing but “I missed you.” kisses. Know them?

“Let me be with you. Let me take you home. .Stay with me.” He asks me. 

“Okay. yes, I want to go.” I whisper to him. 

“I’ll drive.” He demands. 

We’re slowly talking more seductively and soft, rather than jittery and nervous.

He grabs my car keys, we get in  and he drives the Nova. 
We are silent pretty much the entire car ride to his home. At a stop light I turn to him and start touching him, kissing his neck and well, go downtown for a small minute. You know what I mean. 

His little moans really get me pumping. Forget that I haven’t had sex in five years but to have sex again with your lover must be the most incredible feeling in the universe. Past lover, Let me add. 

“Let’s go. Let me just park here.” 

I let him park and we exit my car, He stops me and throughout the entire walk in and up the staircase of his home, we kiss. 

“I have to pee.” I announce. 

“It’s next door to the bathroom. Go ahead.” He tells me. 

I think he can tell I’m nervous and that I need a quick break. I walk over to the bathroom and wash my face again. I quickly slam the door shut and look around the bathroom. Trying to calm my nerves in my own way. By being nosey. 

“So she’s a tampon woman. Okay.” I joke. 

I stare at myself in the mirror. 

“Oh, you’re here already. God didn’t let you walk into this house for no reason. Right?” I question why I’m here. 

I flip off the light switch and walk over to Aiden’s bedroom. 

“Looks more like a woman’s room to me Aiden.” I laugh. 

“Caroline. All her.”

I sit at the edge of the bed. 

“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do Molly. You can leave. You can stay.” He tells me. 

“I just sucked your dick halfway to mars. I’m not going anywhere. Two people tell each other in the very same moment that they are in love with each other then end up kissing all night and then end up at one of the other’s homes. Yeah, you got to stick around. I’m here Aiden. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be.” I admit. 

Without a word he grabs me and starts kissing me again. Oh his warm tongue feels so sexy. His hands rubbing my breasts bring me up. I stand up and take off my jacket. I take off my sneakers, socks and then my pants, panties, shirt and bra. Of course, he strips down too.  I’m fully nude in front of the man I love and he’s fully aroused. Hopefully. 

“You’re so beautiful Molly. You have gotten more muscular though.” He smiles.

“Prison.” I laugh.

“You are super built too for a skinny guy, look good.” I laugh. 

He throws me gently on his bed, moving his sheets as we go under them. 

He kisses me all over and goes downtown too. I admit, I tug him up. I want to see his face. It’s been too long to lose a second of him. 

“You don’t want me to do that?” He questions. 

“I want to see your face as much as possible.” I tell him. 

Aiden grabs a condom from his small bedside table, he lays over on his back and slides it on. I go on top of him and we make love. He turns me over, sideways, we even sit up for a moment. We do everything people who’re having sex do.  In the middle of our climax Aiden turns me to face him. He tilts his head to mine and kisses me passionately again. 

“I love you so much Molly.” He tells me, whispers calmy. 

I don’t have words so I kiss my Aiden back. Listening to his words, to his moans and all this makes me fall more and more in love with him. 

We spend all night and all morning in bed. Mostly sleeping next to each other, other minutes we spend staring at each other. 

6 am 

I wake up, I slide on my clothes as quietly as I can. Aiden wakes up, grabbing my waist.

“Hey, where are you going girl?” He questions.

“This was a bad idea.” I tell him.

“You regret this?” He asks, sitting up.

He wraps his skinny arms around me, locking me tight to his chest. I close my eyes in relaxation. This is exactly what I want. 

“I didn’t say it was a mistake AIden. Just a bad idea. You’re not mine anymore, my love.” I turn around, undoing his grip. 

“I thought we had a good time.”

I brush his face, placing my fingers on his lower lip.

“I love you Aiden. I just can’t have you break her heart to make mine whole again.” 

“I don’t love her. I just enjoyed the company. I’m sure there was a moment when I did love her. I sure as hell don’t know though. I love you. You’re my heart Molly. You’ve always been. Even when you were gone You’ll always be too. You know that I love you right? I don’t understand how I could love you so much, but I do.” Aiden smiles.

I give him what he wants. A nice grin. A soft kiss.

“I have to go Aiden. Hate to do this to you, but I really do have to go.” I turn around to him.

I walk over to his bedroom window, open it up and peek around at the tree. Yeah, It’s time to make a quick escape and climb down that shit. 

“Hey, Molly what are you doing?” He laughs. 

Standing up, I walk back over to him, we start kissing. These kisses feel like we just met all over again. They feel so spectacular. So new and rich. Perfect. 

“If not now then when Molly?” He whispers this question. 

“That’s up to you. Not me. Hopefully you figure that out soon AIden.” I kiss him again. Walking over towards the window.

“Can’t you just use the front door?” He laughs.

“Na, I want to go old school.” I chuckle. I turn around to face him, legs halfway out the window on the tree. 

“I love you Molly.” He tells me, one more time before I leave.

“Maybe when we’re old and soggy?” I tell him. I mean that too. If we don’t end up together when we’re young, tomorrow or next month. Then maybe when we’re old and soggy. 

“Yeah. No! Sooner..” he tells me.

I climb out the window, down the tree and walk over to my car, getting in and looking up at him. 

“Much sooner!” He shouts down to me.

I get out of my car and stare at him. 

“Okay.” I shout. Smiling, because I am very happy.

You see,  I loved this man for a very long time and I got to spend the entire night with him. Can you imagine how I feel? Not thinking I was going to even ever see him again and now here he is! I just can’t do it though. Even though I had him last night. He doesn’t belong to me. No matter what, he will never belong to me ever again. This is a decision he has to make. Not just for himself but for the both of us. One I’m sure he’s going to take a long time to make. One I am sure he will not even make at the end of the day, because he’s too scared. Scared of losing her. Losing that company he’s held on to for so long despite not being in love with her at all. That “moment” he had where he did love her, I don’t know when that moment was but it had to have fulfilled him for a while. Enough to satisfy him. 

“Fuck. how can something so wrong feel so right? Huh tell me why don’t you?” I yell. 

As I drove home, I made a decision. This was probably not the best decision I could've made but it was my final one. I decided that I was going to continue to see Aiden. Whether that meant sleeping with him or just seeing him occasionally. That was all I wanted. He's all I ever wanted and now that god has taken me out of that cage and back into the real world. I have to live. That’s it. This is the life I have to live. Just like my lawyer told me. Live. Get back to living again. So I will take his advice and all of the other’s. I will live my life. I will do the things I want to do. I will see my Aiden. If I end up losing him then I will understand that. 

Finally I am home, I make it swiftly into the house and try to run upstairs, hiding from my mother. However the words 

“Well, look who’s home.” 

Stop me. 

“Hey ma. I was just at the studio.” I kind of lie.

“Studio session that long when you told me because your feet went through hell last week you’d take it slower. Also if you’re going to lie, make sure you come home the night before. I know you’re not a kid. I do know people want to hurt you because they think you hurt someone. Assholes, but it’s true, so I can worry. God gave me that right when he made me your mother. So let it out, be bold and blunt.” She knows I’m giving her a white lie.

“Yeah. So that was a lie. I can’t do the lies. Look, I was with Aiden. You know I was either getting fucked or fucked up ma. Yeah, we made love all night and I left.” I am bold and blunt. 

“Well. Do you know if he’s going to leave his woman for you?” She asks.

Like she demands it.

“No. Not likely. Don’t feel like talking about it.” 

“Fine. go upstairs. Talk to me when you want to.”

She watches me walk up the stairs, I give her a nasty grin. 

“Yeah. Judge me.” I whisper.

“I am not.” She tells me. 

I turn around and face my mother. Not trying to wake up anyone else in the house I walk down the steps to face her. 

“Yeah, ma I know what I am doing is horrible. It makes me a terrible person. I am a whore I am a homewrecker and making a man cheat on his woman. They’re not married. He’s fallen out of love with and is still head over heels for me. I love the guy and he’s all I ever thought about for my entire journey of knowing him. I can’t help coming into this new life of his and making him smile. He’s not happy. With me, he’s so upbeat and cheerful. He’s the love of my life. I’m his. This is bad what we’re doing. It’s bad, but it feels so right. This feels right. I feel so tingly and uplifted when I’m with him! I love him. I lost him once and I don’t want to lose him again. All the shit I’ve been through. Don’t I deserve to be happy? What about me?” I shed a few tears in between my love speech. 

My mother brushes my face with her old, spotted hands. 

“You do. Just make sure none of you get your hearts broken.” She tells me, sipping her glass of white wine. Leaving back into the kitchen.

“Thanks. Just poured my whole heart out their ma. You had a lot of great words there.” I shout. 

I walk up the stairs, my brother is sitting on the floor. Ryan’s a happy autistic kid. He’s the greatest person I know. He listens. Sometimes he shouts words that add up perfectly to what I am talking about. Sometimes he says things days before they happen. Look, He’s gifted is what I am trying to say. 

I lift him up, off the floor. We walk slowly to his bedroom. 

After I change Ryan into his night attire. I tuck him in, rub his head and let him pass out in my arms. 

My father waits for me outside his room door.

“Thanks kid.”

“No problem dad. I missed putting him to bed.” I hug my father.

“Yes, your mother told me. Be careful Molly. You’re grown. You’ll do what is right in the end.” He kisses my head and walks away into his bedroom.

“Of course she told you” I shout.

“Just be careful kid. Years pass, people change baby.” My father nods his head.

“Thanks dad.” I admit and send him a tearful grin.

“Night kid. Get some rest.”

As everyone in the house sleeps, I am awake, after a nice, long, hot bath. Sitting on my bed, indian style. 

“I can’t believe this really all happened to you Molly.” I tell myself, looking at old photographs of myself. 

HIgh school, childhood, ballet, Tonya and I, family and more than all, Aiden. My Aiden. The love of my life. 

I’ll say it again. You can go days, weeks, months and years without seeing someone you love and once you see them again it’s still there. Butterflies, shakes and tingles. That’s how you know they’re the love of your life. No matter who or what. 

In the morning, before I head out to the studio I am suddenly finding myself dancing around to “No Doubt’s” - Underneath It All 

Such a great song. One I really adore. I start smiling, suddenly everything that felt bad suddenly felt perfect. My love, my home, my connection with my family and my beautiful Nova. Not to mention my ability to dance again. Perfection. It’s as if my life would suddenly turn good when I was free from prison. However, before I knew that, I didn’t know prison would be in my path to happiness. I guess no one ever really does. 

I start getting a little bit emotional, sitting on the edge of my bed and staring out the open window in my room. I never felt so whole but so empty. You know? However, I felt this pain as soon as I came to the conclusion that maybe I wouldn’t get my AIden. Or maybe he’d just stop messing with me. 

Bye 8:30 I am having breakfast at a cafe downtown, before I head into the studios to spend my afternoon. 

Tonya with me, eats an egg salad, I have a garden salad. 

“So do you think he’s going to marry her?” Tonys blurts out. 

I stay silent for as long as I can try. I take a deep breath and for a quick second, right before I stop myself. I bang my fist on the table. 

“Geesh I’m sorry I didn’t mean to make you mad there. I just figured that you need to talk about this.” Tonya calms me down, brushing my arm gently. 

“It’s fine. You don’t have to caress me to make me feel better. I guess I should talk about it. I should also think about it a lot more. right? “ I pause. 

Tonya gives me a soft smirk.

“I think he may end up marrying her. I have this feeling. You know?” I admit it. It’s true. I do. I think he’s going to end up marrying her for sure. I can’t do anything about that. Only he can. I can’t get blamed for hurting him if he doesn’t do the right thing. He’s the one in charge of that. All I could do is try my best, sit around, tell him how I feel and hope to end up with him. That’s all.” I smile. Of course, sadly. 

“I’m sorry. You look hurt.” Tonya tells me. 

I am hurt. If someone else can see it, then I am hurt. 

“I am. For the first time in a long time I feel happy. Yet the only thing that can take that entire feeling away. That one thing. It’s Aiden. Not being able to love him, the way two people in love should love each other.”  I admit. 

“Yeah, I know the feeling. All you want is to touch that someone. Yet, you can’t. It’s really horrible isn’t it? Like you think you found that someone and then you have this gut feeling it could be an entire waste of time.” Tonya holds my hand. 

“You really are a good fucking friend Tonya.” I told my friend. My close friend, basically my sister. 

“Thank you. I feel like since you got out, I’ve been a much better version of myself. Like more alive.” 

Tonya just made my day. 

Around noon up until 7:35 pm I am dancing at the studio, and like every visit, closing up the place alone and leaving home. 

My feet are less bruised, blistered and raw. They’re much better and starting to get used to dancing again. Especially dancing on pointe slippers. My spins, turns and jumps have become so superb I couldn’t be more proud of myself. 

I spend all afternoon doing ballet, I even skip lunch. So by the time I am done with dancing and finished locking up the studio, I decide I need a nice, hot dinner. I’ve been so caught up with dancing that I decided to skip lunch. Why did I ever think that was a good idea? Right? Dumb. 
	So I throw on my chucks, I bunny loop my laces and lock up the sucker. I pace down the staircase, throw my gym bag into my trunk and take a nice walk downtown. I walk casually with my wallet, with a grin. 
	Trying to find one perfect spot for dinner. Why not spoil yourself? Right? 

I walk past a nice seafood spot. I casually walk by, uninterested. I stop myself, and walk by to the large window. Aiden is there with Caroline. They’re eating dinner and she’s laughing. Most likely at some really shitty joke that Aiden thinks is hilarious. It’s not. He’s so horrible with jokes I don’t even know why he keeps it up. What a lucky girl. I wish I was sitting in her seat. Having wine with that man, loving him and going home with him at night. Oh,how I wish I was Caroline.

“What a lucky girl.” I whisper. 

For a moment I look down, sadly at my feet. Wondering if he’d ever really love me like he loves her. He said he no longer does, yet I have this feeling if he did want to really be with me, he’d do it. Saying “I love you” is a big thing. You have to show it, make them feel it. It takes a lot to say those words to someone. Does he mean it? 

Staring up again at Aiden and her, dining and laughing. AIden, of course this would happen. He looks over at me. Caroline doesn’t even notice, seeing she’s laughing and blabbing while devouring her plate of red Lobster. 

He flashes me a short smile and I give him hardly one back. I tilt my head, put my hand up and down quickly and look away. 

“Bye baby.” I whisper under my breath. This hurts. I thought I’d easily get over that. 

I walk quietly and cry, horribly. You know with the snots running out your nose down to your mouth. That kind of crying. I don’t drive off quickly, I sit for a few minutes and just sob. I haven’t stopped crying since I came out of prison. It’s been really horrible. This is how my new life is. This is what it consists of. Proud of it, because it makes me stronger and it makes me courageous. 

I carry on and drive my ass home. Parked out front of my house, an hour passes by before I go in the house. My mother finally notices my card parked out front. So she joins me in the passenger seat. My arms crossed, the seat tilted far back. I give my mother a blank stare. She uses her sleeve to wipe away my tears. Some so dry, they won’t come off. I hold my mother’s hand.

“You can cry my darling. It’s okay to cry. Let it out. Let it all out.” She tells me. Her words, truthful and very much needed to be heard.

“You really are such a great mother. Like when you were chosen to be my mom I must’ve been the happiest fucking baby on earth. Like dancing in the womb.”  I tell her.

“What is eating you up? Is it him? Or is it what is happening with him?” She asks.

“Yes. It’s that I may not ever be with him. Like really love him, really be with him. I love him. I am so in love with him. I don’t get how it could just stay here all throughout not seeing him. All throughout prison. It’s insane. I have this feeling that he’s the old man to my old woman. The reason I’ll look pretty everyday. The one person who will always be around, every season. Then I know he’s just been there, done that. My Aiden. My heart. He’s my heart. I love him and I can’t have him.” I cry out.

“Even if you don’t end up with  him. He’s yours and you’re his.” She tells me.

We eventually made our way back into the house, I had a shower, she had wine. We slept. This conversation wasn’t one we wanted to have ever again. My mother had the right words but sometimes the worst answers.

As I laid in bed to sleep I came to the conclusion that I would soon end things when the time was right. Which felt, very soon.

The next morning as I am leaving the studio, I throw my bags into my car. My baby. I drive over to the local grocery store. It’s about six miles from downtown. I am very picky about what I eat. Especially since I am dancing again. Now in my ballerina attire and if you saw my bloody stocking underneath those chucks, well you’d be disgusted. Really.

Walking around, pushing that carriage it was bound to happen. 
There he is. There she is. Caroline. Walking with my Aiden, holding his arm, brushing his chest with the other. They’re so happy. They really seem to get along, I can see the love between them. I remember that feeling. 

Now I’m just the other woman, It’s total bull too because it’s not like we decided to break up. We were literally torn apart. She’s in my spot, that is my spot! 

I can’t do anything about that. I can only shut my mouth and walk on by, say hello and keep it going. There can be no evidence or emotional exposure that shows that he and I are sleeping together. 

It’s been a while since I’ve been someones paramour and it really fucking sucks. 

Now for the hard part. Do I pretend to not see them and turn around like I’m going to the first aisle behind me? Or do I casually, sexually, moving my hips like a hot dancer toward them? 

Fuck, the aisle behind me is little Debby’s house. Guess he knows I don’t eat that crap. Can’t do that turn then. Or I could be buying for my family? No. I don’t buy shit snacks for anyone. He knows that. I try to be healthy. I do. 

“Molly.” His deep voice calls to me, as my back is turned. 

Too late. Noticed. 

I turn around. 

“Hey there Aiden! Hi Caroline.” I say, very jolly.

“Mary?” She asks.

“Molly.” I corrected her.

“Molly! Yes, from the show. How are you?” She asks.. She couldn’t give two fucks, she’s just being nice to me. 

“Everything is good. Up, down and all around! Not in prison so that’s a plus!” I joke.

No one laughs.

“Well, just gotta finish my shopping then run off to several other errands it was really nice seeing you two! Have a great one! Bye!” I say, speeding away. 

Aiden’s face is harsh, I can see him, as I look back he’s swallowing his spit, staring at me. 
She is so unaware and in a way it breaks my heart entirely. 
“Bye Mol.” He shouts. 

They carry on and so do I. 

Like a baby I hold in my tears until I am finished with my shopping. When I make my way to toss the two, light bags in my car. I cry. I sob. I let that shit all out. 

Something I’ll regret later, I pound my fists on the trunk after I close it. That hurt. This sucks. 

I finished my day, no errands, that was clearly a lie. I make it home, shower, shit and eat. Only to sit on my roof, alone until 4 am. I received two texts from Aiden. One says “I’m sorry you had to bump into us like that.” The other, “I love you Molly. You need to know that.” I throw my phone through my window, onto the floor and laugh. Laugh, cry and look up at the beautiful sky, that gorgeous wallpaper god has given me. I feel alive. I feel blessed. I am now coming to the conclusion that getting back with Aiden was not the right thing to do. I should've remained alone until meeting the right man. 

I know, he is that man. He’s my heart, that I can’t have. I know he won’t leave her, I see it. I saw it today, just a glimpse of how they were staring at each other. I know he will never leave her. He’s started a life with her and he can’t dismiss it. 

He calls at 6 am. Waking me up from my one hour of sleep. I won’t dance today, since I didn’t have any sleep. 

I stare down at my phone, pissed. 

I answer. No speaking.

“Hey, you there? You picked up. I know you’re there Mol. Talk to me baby.” Aiden tells me. 

“Why’re you up so early?” I ask.

“What do you mean?” He answers.

“Texting me at four.” 

“You were up. Why didn’t you answer me back Molly?” He asks.

“What am I supposed to say? It’s okay, the two of you looked happy. Come on, it’s true. You both did. I can see it, I am never gonna- you know. I’m stopping here, just going to work or to bed. Whatever you were doing. Do it.” I told him.

“Are you sure you’re alright? We’re okay? Moly- am I- I’m losing you ain’t I Mol?” He questions, I can hear the eeriness in his voice. I can hear him swallowing his spit. He’s nervous. 
“Yes, yeah, you know it. Look, I'm just gonna go to bed. I had a long day is all.. You and me, we’re alright. Just go to bed. Know everything is fine, my love. Bye.” 

I hang up on his face before he can say anything back to me. I feel rude, I am hurt though. I put my hand on my chest. I look at myself in the mirror. 

I sleep. 

My brother, Ryan, wakes me by sleeping beside me. This isn’t new. I turn to him and smile. This is not new, when Ryan or myself get sad, we share a bed. No words, no hugging, just brother and sister sleeping side by side to gain some hope, some love. Helped us since we were younger. It’s a brother and sister way of bonding for us. Gives us strength. 

I make my way to the kitchen and make a fresh pot of coffee. It’s 8am. No one is up. The house smells of fresh, coffee beans. 

My sister walks in. She is clearly having her first walk of shame, well not really. I can see she’s good at sneaking in early in the morning before our drunk mother catches her.

“Come here right now little girl!” I joke to my sister.

Humiliated and unaware I was even in the kitchen she scurried over to me. Whispering of course. 

“You’re not going to tell mom are you!? Or dad!?” She begs. 

“No. it down and have a cup of beans.” I demand. Passing a mug to her from the dish strainer. She shoves it away. 

“No thanks. Look, I am just going to go to bed. Thanks for not being that kind of sister. You’re actually a way better sister than I thought you’d be.” She hugs me and leaves upstairs. 

For some reason, I thought we’d have a longer conversation than that. Guess not. 

Now today was just like any other day. Except today I was grocery shopping. Yeah, that was on my first check box for chores in my home. After a run and a nice, long, hot shower I go for a run. I make myself a nice cup of coffee after and some oats. Pack up about twenty totes or so and make my way to the grocery store. Boring. 

Suddenly out of all the people I just had to run into there he is. My love, my Aiden. Staring at him, with Caroline beside him. The way she holds his arm as they walk down the aisle. I tilt my head and watch. I can’t hate her, she did nothing to me. She is just a woman who fell in love with a man. The man is suddenly being drawn away from her because of me. His dumb ex lover. I feel for Caroline nothing but sorrowness. I have done a terrible thing behind a woman’s back who has done nothing to me. I am an evil person. No doubt about that. 

I turn around quickly trying to race my cart out of the aisle and suddenly I turn into the cold vegetable aisle. There he is. While Caroline goes on the hunt for the perfect cherries, me and Aiden smile at each other from a distance. 

 Well, I can’t just race away. Instead I make my way towards him. He smiles more and more the closer I get to him. How bad I want to kiss his face. 

“I see you haven’t got anything besides your usual oatmeal. Hi Molly.” Aiden smiles.

“Hey Aiden. Look I’m sorry I’ve been rude and distant. I have to talk to you about-” before I could finish my sentence Caroline interrupts me. 

“Molly! Hey, I remember you. I can’t believe I’m remembering your name anyway. I am usually so bad with names. Hey baby I got the cheap ones but they’re also the biggest batch.” She says jolly. 

As she places the sparkling, wet cherries into the carriage. She slides her hand over Aiden’s romantically. How badly that hurts me to see. 

“Yeah, nice to see you again Caroline. How’s everything?” I ask, swallowing my spit. This is quite nerve wrecking you know. 

“Everything is fine. I just have to grab the best veggies before all the old maids come in and steal them all. So what about you?” She smirks. She’s so polite. 

“I’m up, down and all around! You know.” I smile.

“That is fantastic. Well, excuse me. Have to finish the hunt. Can you grab the meat on  the list, honey?” She asks Aiden.

“Okay no problem baby.” He kisses her. 

I watch Caroline walk away. That kiss made her so happy. 

“I remember a kiss like that.” I whisper.

“What?” 

“I remember those little goodbye kisses. That let you know how fast you’ll be back with your lover. You have to send out those kisses to let them know how much they mean to you. That they’re yours and they’re going to come right back. I remember those kisses. A kiss like that. I remember that wonderful feeling.” my eyes water.

“Molly.” Aiden whispers. 

He brushes my hand. I pull away.

“See you around baby.” I say as I turn around quickly, my eyes watering.

Aiden doesn't try to stop me at all. Instead he watches me walk away. How can I blame him. How can he try to stop me when she’s right there. Poor, sweet Caroline. How she would be devastated. 

Now at home, my mother is devastated that I didn’t come home with groceries. I mean, can you blame her?

“I ran into him. With her.” I tell my mother, no emotion might I add.

“I don’t care. I asked you to do something. Please, just give me the list.” She is mad.

“You have no idea how I feel. It was like a slap in the fucking face! You don’t care because it becomes nothing after a while. There is a certain point where you’re nothing but the mother and you have no idea the pain I am going through. The terror I had to face and finally being free. Getting the man you always loved right back and then coming to realize you can never be with him. You have no idea the pain I feel. The heartache I have. My heart hurts, it hurts, I’m hurt! Don’t you get that? I don’t care if all I do is bitch and cry. My life was ruined. I have it good. I have a home, a bed, family and my car. I’m dancing. I’m very grateful. You can lose the love of your life and that shit will kill you regardless if you have it all or not. Don’t you understand?” I cry. Walking away, upstairs.

“Molly!” my mother shouts to me.

“You have to stop this Molly! You have to stop this right now! This big ego you have where you think no one cares about you is insane! We all love you. Yes, we know what you felt, how you feel and what pain you went through. You had a life and then it was gone. Molly. You’re my daughter and I love you. I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”

My mother brushes my sweaty hair away from my lips.

“It hurts.” I burst out sobbing. 

So like a teenager, I run into my room, slam the door and cry on my pillow. The next thing I know, my mother is caressing me and rubbing my head. Telling me “it’s going to be okay.”

Just because someone tells you it’s going to be okay. Doesn’t mean it’s going to be okay. 

I’m in the studio. I didn't dance today. For the first few hours I did a couple of light stretches and simple dances. Soft ones. The dances that make people feel romantic when they watch ballet.  I had this motive to kick ass today in the studio. However, Aiden resides in my mind. Distracting me from a little bit of everything in my life today. Speaking of Aiden, about six hours in. When I should have left the studio by then. There he is, again. He walks behind me, I’m native american style on the waxed, wood floor. He joins me. Wearing a nice, casual button up and jeans. My baby.

“I had a feeling she’d call you. My mom that is.” I laugh. 

I turn around to face him. He is so handsome. 

“Hi baby. How’d you know that?” he chuckles. 

“oh , come on. That’s all you’d do when I wasn’t around. Call my mother.” I laugh.

He gives me a smile. 

“I love you Aiden.” I crawl  over to him and we kiss. Longest make out session I have ever had and it was the greatest. 

We lay on the waxed floor after that. It’s the one place we can be alone together. Without a girlfriend walking in or someone knocking on the door. 

“You don’t want to see me anymore for real right?” He asked me. Swallowing his spit, he’s nervous. 

“It’s not that Aiden. I just don’t want to hurt anyone. I really don’t. The last thing I want is for Caroline to end up sad like I was. That ain’t right and I sure as hell don’t like hurting people and you need to know that.”
 
He looks at me. He’s scared.

“I really want you in my life girl.” He looks me in the eye. I caress and rub my long fingers on his hairy arms. 

“Then why are you still with her?” I nod my head. 

“That can’t be the reason you want to leave me.”

“There is no leaving you if I ain’t got you.”

I sit up, he wraps his arms and legs around me. 

“You are the one. I want babies with you. I want to marry you. You’re the only person I am ever going to want that life with. You.” He kisses my neck.

“If you hurt her, you’ll be sorry. If you mean what you’re telling me. There won’t be any pin in the wall waiting on a dream. It’ll be you running to my bedroom next time. I know you, when you stick to something you stay. Let me tell you something. I saw you at the store with her and I saw the side of you I always loved most. The romantic, goofy, having fun cause you’re in love in public Aiden. I saw it and I remember it. You mean every inch of it. That ain’t bad, you got her and she has you. That is all.” 

“That  is not all. What the fuck.” Aiden says. 

I break out of his trap and stand up. I lift my hand out and he stands up with me. We wrap our arms around each other and kiss.

“I will always love you Aiden.” 

“Then stay.”

“I guess it’s something I have to think about.” 

We part, he thinks everything is okay, I try to hide the pain and my thoughts racing in my head. So I fake a smile. 

“oh, Aiden. I have to lock up unfortunately.” I lied. 

He laughs and smiles. There is a long, quiet moment as we make our way downstairs, out the building and walking away towards our cars. He kisses me. A nice, long kiss. 

“I’ll see you? Take you out, make some sweet love.” He laughs.

I lie. 

“Of course my love.” I kiss him, our spit tangles. Not the cutest thing but a perfect goodbye for now kiss. 

I make my way home, where he goes whether that be work or home. I don’t know. I miss him already. My Aiden. My love. 

I sit at home, my mother sharing a glass of wine with me. I laugh.

“What Molly?” My mother questions.

“You know you have a problem right?” I laugh.

“You have yours and I have mine.” She doesn’t disagree.

“I’m not going to see him anymore. That is it. I can’t. I’m done. I can’t hurt her, he won’t walk away. I won’t try anymore. I’m done.” 

“Truth?” 

I chug the rest of my wine, taking it to the dishwasher.

“Yeah. The other day we spoke, spent a few hours in the studio. That’s the last time I want to see him.”

“Oh, Molly. Let him know. Give him a proper goodbye.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right.”

Of course that was days ago when I saw my Aiden. Of course, that would be for the last time.
Now sitting here I have my future, my entire future ahead of me. After a while, you just want to move on. Though, there are some things you just can’t move on from. He is one of them.  My Aiden.

I go back to a memory of us again. 

I’ll be honest I can’t hardly remember, it was years ago. I had  a day off and was watching “The Transformers” , the cartoon to make myself clear and not that corny Michael  Bay crap.

It was about six am. I was trying to keep as quiet as possible, then there he was. My tired man walking out from the bedroom to join me. Or ask why ain’t I asleep?

“You’re up.” He yawns out.

This memory was right before my arrest. 
It haunts me.

“I couldn’t sleep. It’s bad. Had a nightmare.” I told him. 

He walks over to me, sits beside me and rubs my head, softly.

“So you feel like something bad is going to happen? Oddly enough, you always get a hunch Molly.” James tells me.

He asks, well I never answer.

“Yeah I guess I always sort of do. Don’t I?”

He rubs my face. I look into his tired, glossy eyes and he smiles.

“I hope you never get tired of me and my shit baby.” I honestly let out. I really hope he doesn’t.

“Of course I won’t. Same with me baby. Look- I - even when we’re old and soggy. Like you always say baby.” He rubs his finger across my lips. 

I giggle and flash him a smirk.

“Even when you're old  and soggy baby.”

Now, In the present day I’m laying on my neatly made bed. Pondering. 

To tell the person you’re very much in love with is the hardest thing in the world. At Least in the world of romance. 

That evening….

I am home, tired and sleepless. I walk into my sister's bedroom and without a knock, I enter her room.  I walk over to her bed, she’s awake.

I casually lay down and tuck myself in. 

I let out a large sigh.

“Hey sis, I know this is weird just walking up to you. Laying here. I guess I need some girl talk. Or can we go out and do something?” I ask her, randomly. 

“You just walk into my room, lay on my bed and lay down. Man did prison certainly fuck you up.” She blurts out and laughs. 

I laugh harder. 
It certainly did fuck me up. Big time. 

“You want to go out? Now? In the middle of the night Molly?” She asks. 

“Why the hell not. Tell you what you show me a secret talent and I’ll show you something that no one quite knows about me. Just Aiden.” I admit. 

“Really?” She asks. 

“Yeah! I have a talent. Trust me you won’t be unhappy.”

She laughs. 

“And why would I do this?” 

I sit up, so does she. “Because dear sister! I have a kick ass old car and the keys to an upscale dance studio!” I let out.

The next thing I know, we’re on my way to the studio. Passing by Aiden’s house I can’t help but wonder if he’s wide awake, with her arms wrapped around his chest. Laying there, while he thinks of me.

That’s just what I think.

If he’s dreaming of me if he’s asleep. Again, that’s only what I think.

Now we’re sitting in a large, waxed floored room. A blackbox if you’d call it. I stare at a piano, a grand piano. Pearl white, makes me think of the large piano me and Aiden shared in our apartment years ago. 

I remember one night he wasn’t supposed to come home so early. It was a saturday night and I hardly played it due to neighbours complaining. Thank you Saturday night for the clubs nearby. Gets everyone out and about. Good riddens. 

So alone, unable to sleep. After all, it was only seven forty five at night. Aiden wasn’t finishing his closing of a small show he had. So I decided to play. Now my hidden talent is playing the piano. I don’t know small notes, I know them all. To make it real simple.
I play better than Joseph Hoffman. Or anyone who you admire. Listening to me play makes you feel like you’re sitting front row at a ballet show. I guess I can admit. I learned on my own. Yes, and training, instead of eating lunch. Sometimes I’d just sneak into the blackbox and play the piano. 

My sister’s mouth drops as she watches me play the piano.

“Wow.” she whispers, her mouth nearly beginning to drool. 

Now back to my little Aiden piano memory. He walked in. He wasn’t supposed to be home and there he was. Hardly breathing because he was so silent. He looked at me. Then his gentle hands rub on my back, he gives me a soft kiss on the neck.

“I haven’t heard you play like this in a long time. Remarkable Mol. wow.” He tells me. 

I turn over to him and he smiles, so do I. 

We share one soft, perfect kiss. One back then I didn’t admire as much as I do right now. 

This memory makes me fond, and makes me realize how stupid I am. I have to end this the right way. That means going to him and telling him I can no longer see him. One kiss. 

My sister walks closer to me, I wake up from my daydream and turn to her. She sits beside me. 

“You play incredible. You're really good! Like really, really good! Holy shit Molly!” She jumps up. 

“Thank you.” I hold her hand.

“Something bothering you?” She asks.

I look out the large studio window and take a deep breath.

“My heart.” I whisper. 

That same day instead of sleeping we’re out at a diner. What would you know? Aiden is there. I didn’t even notice him, neither did my sister. It's almost 7 am. We’re eating, enjoying ourselves with no sleep. 

“Shit. we have to leave.” I blurt. 

“No! Why? We just got here, we haven’t even gotten our water.” She shouts.

“Damn it!” I yell.

“What is it?”

I sit down, running my fingers through my hair. 

“It’s Aiden and he’s eating with Caroline at the far end of the room. They can’t see us. Either way I can see the back of his head and it’s killing me.” I admit.

She stares.

“Is that her? Really never looked at her long enough.” 

“Yep. That’s her and yeah. That’s him.” I look down, sadly. Some feelings aren’t easy to hide. 

“Sorry.” 

I swallow my spit.

“Maybe this is a good thing. I’ll go say hi after we eat and if he leaves before us, then that’s when. I have to talk to him anyways.” I let out. 

“Okay. wow you had that planned or something?”

We feast, nice butter on pancake breakfast and some sausages. We share orange juice and take sips of coffee throughout the meal. He’s still there. Caroline gets up and leaves to what I assume is the restroom. 

Perfect opportunity. 

I walk over to his table, my sister looks at me like I’m a nut because I get up quickly with no words and walk right on over. His shiny hair is my only view. My angel.

I tap him on the shoulder.

“Hey.” 

“Molly!” He happily lets out.

“Listen, I see you’re busy so I’ll make this quick. I have to see you sometime this week. Like private. I would really like to- no - I need to talk to you about something Aiden.” I tell him.

“Okay baby.” He replies. 

I nod my head.

“Don’t call me baby.” I demand, nicely.

“What do you mean?” He questions. His eyebrow raised. 

“When you’re out with another woman you might want to make sure you watch what you say. You know?” I told him.

I turn around making sure his woman isn’t walking out of the restrooms. She’s not. I quickly brush his hairy face and whisper in his ear. “I love you. I will pop by your studio soon. Keep an eye out for me. Sorry.”

I kiss his cheek softly. 

I quickly stand up, walking away. I can hear him from a distance, truly not caring about Caroline hearing. 

“Sorry? Molly? Why’re you sorry?” He gives up afterwards, seeing she finally comes out of the restrooms. Perfect timing. 

I resume my dinner with my sister and we enjoy our uncomfortably silenced dinner. A bit over the top expensive in my book. However, this was a day much needed.

The day of. Downtown.  1 pm.

And man is it a pretty day. 

Now I know I keep saying this, that I have kept saying this. I will not see Aiden anymore. Then the time comes and there I am. With my Aiden, loving him and kissing him. Telling him I’ll always love him. Then doing something small but deadly enough to break not only his heart, but mine. 

I just finished dancing all day at the studio. I took a morning training session rather than a late session. Laying down, stretching after and taping up my already newly (once again) damaged toes. Thanks to ballerina life, the one thing I think we all as ballerinas despise. 

I step out of my car, parked right in front of his studio. 

I make my way to the front door. Searching for his name on the door buzzer system I buzz. 

He answers. His beautiful, soft voice hidden behind the old buzzing sound.

“Hey? Molly? Yeah, come on in.” He shouts. 

Seems like he can hardly handle the old buzzing system himself.

“Hey, yeah it’s me.” I replied.

The door buzzes, I open it and make my way up to the third floor. Stairs don’t help my sore feet.

Before I can even knock or even make my way to the top of the staircase, there he is. My Aiden. Staring at me. Handsome as ever.

“Hey Baby.” He shouts and grabs my face kissing me. 

I don’t push away, instead we make out for what feels like forever. Especially because this will be the last time I kiss him in that way. Sadly.

When he lets go of my face, I stare into his eyes. Mines are clouding up and getting teary.

I can see the look in his eyes. He knows something is going to happen within the next couple of minutes. I know him enough to know that. 

“You okay baby?” He asks.

“Jolly.” I lie. 

We walk into his studio and he starts showing me around, his wall covered in decorated, colored and uncolored portraits, scenes and landscapes of cities all around the world. 

“Wow this is all so amazing. I’m really proud of you.”
 
He smiles over at me.

“Thank you baby. You want to see my favorite one?” He asks. 

Without me even giving him an answer he drags me over to the next room, there it is.  A photo of me laying beside him in bed quite a few years ago. My giant, smiling face, staring back at his. 

Course, you can’t see his face since he’s the photographer. My goodness do I look happy in that photo. He captured my essence, my heart and desire for him completely. 

“How beautiful. My life was perfect.” I cry. 

He looks over at me, walking to me, grabbing my neck. 

“Baby, what is it?” He asks. 

“I can’t lie. I can’t let you hurt her anymore. I know I keep saying this, but this time I mean it. I can’t break someone else’s heart to make mine whole. It’s just not fair. What did she ever do to me? She didn’t even have a clue of me I bet. Why would you tell a little middle class woman “hey my ex is in prison.” right? I know this doesn’t make sense. I know this is wrong of me to drop this on you out of nowhere. I came here to hangout, yes, but the real reason I came here was to tell you I can’t ever see you again. Sure if I bump into you at a grocery store or I see you in a parking lot I’ll give you a hello. I won’t ignore you. We live in the same town for heaven’s sake. I love you. I really love you. It is the truth, you’re the love of my life. You’ll always be, it’s you. I know I am for you. We belong together. Maybe we won’t be together right now and maybe we were meant to have this break so that our love can always come and go to remind us. How? I don’t know. Maybe in a way that it can show us how rare true love is. But for some unknown reason no matter who or what, you and I seem to have it. I love you, always will and you’ll always love me. I’m not saying this is our end. But right now, here, with you and her. One day you’re going to have the courage to leave her for me. To walk away and instead of listening to your head and your family, you’ll follow your heart and finally come to me. I know you will. Right now though, you need to build courage and work on you. You’ve never been tough like me and that’s okay. You’ll never have the guts to walk away and I can handle that. This is our middle. We had our beginning and one day we will have our ending. We’ll be happy. Finally the way we want to be, The way we’re supposed to be. For now, we’re stuck in this shit middle and I can wait. I will. I’ll be here. I promise you. You’re the love of my life. I’m sorry baby. But what am I going to do?” I cry. 

I take a deep breath and he pulls back. He stares at the photo, I can see him crying but I can’t hear him crying. He’s great at hiding that.

“I just got you back and now I’m going to lose you again. I can’t say that enough.”

I walk over to him and turn him to face me. We both cry. 

“You are the one. The only one. Now I got to go. See you.” I cry. My words won’t hardly come out. 

I turn around, he stares blankly at me. He’s angry, upset and hurt. So am I. This was bound to happen and in a way, to pass this pain. This grueling agony I am glad this has happened. 

“Maybe when we’re old and soggy?” I whisper. 

I leave his studio, walking down each step, crying. Step by step. Cry. Step by step. Cry. cycle. 

I hear a door slam behind me and someone running behind me, it’s him. 

He turns me around at the corner of the last staircase and grabs me. 

He kisses me. These are kisses like no other, real kisses and he locks eyes with me.

“Maybe before that. Not maybe, before that. Much before that. I love you-” unable to continue he sobs. 

We share one more last kiss.

“Give me one more.” I whisper.

He does, he gives me one more soft kiss. 

With silence, we share a long hug. He escorts me down the last two flights of stairs and opens the hall door for me, walking me outside. I turn to him at the front door and stop him.

“I want to drive away and look back at this moment. So the next time when we are really supposed to be together, I’ll laugh at this moment.” I joke. 

I brush his face one last time and we share a smile.

I walk away, sobbing silently to my car.

No looking back. I get into my car, start it and it's funny. “All through the night” By Cyndi Lauper begins to play on the radio. 

“perfect .” I laugh to myself. Perfect song for a perfect time I’d say. 

I look at my rearview mirror and there he is. Looking at me I share a smile through my mirror to him. I look out my mirror and drive away into the city, back to my home. 

The following year.

New year. No dating and a healthy life. Clean eating and much better with my family. 

My mother hardly drinks. My dad is more open to everyone. My brother was sent to an all boys home for bettering emotional battles. My sister is dating. Me, I’m just teaching in New York City throughout the summer and in Philadelphia all else around. 
My life is fulfilled.  To say the least, I am happy. 

The end.